My little one is 3 months old. Yowzers!
I was trying to think of what to write about and there is one thing that keeps coming up again these days. Breastfeeding. I'm gonna write about my boobs!
I know this can be a touchy subject so here is my disclaimer. I have no judgement about anyone who has chosen for whatever reason to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. It's none of my business. This is about my journey.
Here's the thing. I've said it before...breastfeeding blows...for awhile. 5 days after Evie Sue was born I was done, finito, arrivedeci to breastfeeding. Let me tell you why.
It hurts! Really bad.
I did all the research, I knew the sayings ("Breast is Best"). But I also knew at that time that I was miserable. Here I was with my newborn baby girl. I should have been elated. I should have been bonding. But all I was doing was dreading the next time I had to feed her which if you know anything about newborns this happens like, all the frickin' time!
It was a bit devastating. I wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted to love her and kiss her and snuggle her. But I began to associate being with her as pain. As soon as I was done feeding her I literally wanted her away from me so I could go about my routine of trying to soothe my ravaged nipples(sorry) and frankly, prepare myself for the next go around. It was awful and I was done. And let's be real, my husband and I weren't breastfed and we turned out fine. I had no problem moving to formula and I was ready.
I went to the pediatrician. It was Evie Sue's first check up out of the hospital. I walked in prepared to tell the doc that I was ready to move on to formula, what's the best kind, let's go!
She was beyond supportive and knew exactly what I was going through. She described my pain to a t and said "Give it until Friday" (this was Wednesday) "Give it a full 7 days and if it's still not working, pat yourself and the back for a good try and move on! Food is food, what your daughter really needs is a happy momma."
And I did. Give it until Friday. And guess what happened. It was almost as if her giving me permission to move to formula made me relax so much that I was able to give it a few more days breastfeeding. And then another week, month and here we are!
My husband looked at me the other day and said "Do you remember that first week and how miserable you were?" And I can't.
I mean, yes, I remember that it was hard but who am I kidding? I was so sleep deprived the apartment could have blown up and I wouldn't have remembered!
So yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking it out. It has saved us time and money.
And then there's the bonding.
Now, I bond with my child however I can. Reading and singing to her, snuggling and yes, breastfeeding. Do I also try to get other things done while nursing? Yep. I eat, check facebook, watch tv and blog all while nursing...I am currently typing one handed if you catch my drift.
And yes, it still hurts every once and a while. I am in constant fear of that first tooth. I'm hungry all the time! And the other day I realized my breasts will never be the same...and dammit I had some really nice tits.
Ooh! The hormones too! Breastfeeding apparently releases oxytocin and prolactin which help relax mom...and does it ever. Sometimes I literally feel a little bit drugged!
I have decided to go until 6 months (if I can) and reevaluate. Make sure it is still working for both Evie Sue and I. If not, I will have no problem switching to formula.
But there are those moments, maybe late at night or just as we're waking up. I look down, maybe she looks at me, maybe she doesn't. But man, the love I feel in that moment when I am all alone with her, feeding her from my body, making her happy is like nothing else in the whole world. And it's all mine.