Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy Year

Here's the thing about the New Year. New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, New Year resolutions....New Beginning.
I feel like we've all seen this changeover of years as a new start. "This year, I'm getting my shit together!"
It's like a do over almost. If the past year sucked, you get to start over and try again...right?
As I move forward into said New Year with *gasp* a toddler(!), I realize how far from the truth these thoughts are.
I don't want any sort of do over. And let me tell you, my darling girl isn't slowing down for anyone!
I feel like in the past, when it was just about me, I could trick myself. "This year will be better", "This is THE year".
The year for what?
I also feel like we use this time of year to throw away the past year. "Last year sucked, I'm glad to be done with it!" I certainly know that in the past I have said these very words. But every day that passes we are "done" with. It is done. Finished. Over.
And that kind of sucks!
Yeah, things are always gonna go up and down in our lives, that's what makes it fun, ask the Grandma from Parenthood. But they keep moving forward, whether we like it or not.
I look back on thoughts I've had about New Years passed. And I'm pissed at myself.
Things are hard. For everyone. But I hate the fact that I have wished days, years, moments away simply because they didn't go the way I had planned or they hurt. Life hurts. I'm mad that I ever so easily dismissed months that have gone before because I was bored or I didn't get off my ass and do something...anything!
Yes, stupid, annoying, heartbreaking, frustrating things happened in 2012. And guess what? Other stupid, annoying...etc. things will happen in 2013.
But amazing things happened too!
If my darling girl has taught me anything, it is this. Life keeps going. And I want it to! I don't want to see 2013 as a "new beginning" or another shot to get it right. I want to see it as my daughter's second year of life. My 6th year of marriage.
And I don't want to "say goodbye" to 2012. I mean, yes, 2012 is over but good and bad it happened. I can ignore it and wish it away or I can relish the memories.
I guess what I am saying is the same thing we always say. Life is short and it moves fast! I've found my focus. I've found my reason to be in the moment every day, to love my year and not wish the passed one away. My daughter doesn't need any "do overs", she needs life. She needs to grow and learn. She needs to build memories. I want to help her. And to do that I need to remember, not to throw away, dismiss and forget.
I really loved 2012. Because it was my life.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

One Year

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of

Jonathan Larson could easily have been writing about a first year of parenthood.
My daring girl, my soul, my life, my one year old.
How do I measure that? The daylights I get to spend with her. The midnights I stayed up until(and past). The cups of coffee...well, I've always loved my coffee.
The inches she grown, the miles we've traveled. The laughter she's brought us and the strife we put ourselves through as we try and provide for our sweet baby.

But in true Broadway show tune fashion I will in fact, always measure this year in love. Because before this year I had no idea what love was. I truly learned how to love unconditionally.
What else have I learned in this past year?
Patience. Parenthood is a true lesson in patience and I know it's only just begun. I have never been a patient person, really. But Evie Sue has taught me how to slow down. Slow down and appreciate, slow down so that the diaper is put on correctly, slow down, Momma!
How to breathe. I learned how to take a deep breath and apply it to what is happening. No nap? Deep breath. More whining? Deep Breath. Heavy eyelids? Deep breath. Baby falls on her butt? Deep breath. Daddy gives her a massive piece of food you are convinced she will choke on (of course she doesn't)? Deeeeeep breath.
How to let go. As a Mom, and more specifically a stay at home Mom, you figure out how to do it all. And dammit it better be done your way...all the time...right?
Oh how very wrong. I had to learn (and I continue) to let Ty do things his way. To allow Evie Sue to explore on her own. To let the dog lick her face. To let her learn. On her own.
In the wake of recent events this last one is hard. Very hard.
They say you should congratulate parents at the first birthday. For making it through. While I do agree, this day will be about her and all the joy that she is. She won't remember. We're not doing anything big. I making her favorite, banana cupcakes, and really I'm not even sure if they are her favorite.
But we will celebrate her. Her. Who is everything to me and mine. Who is love.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Last 5 Years

It is 9am. I am sitting at our kitchen table watching Evie Sue shove handfuls of scrambled egg into her mouth and giggling. I am drinking coffee that my hubby had set for me before he left and eating a slice of cranberry almond bread I made from scratch.

Who am I!?

Two weeks from today I will be frantically baking banana cupcakes and decorating our place for my sweet girl's 1st birthday!

How did that happen!?

11 months have come and gone. I took Evie out for lunch and a practice cupcake. She did great, making a sufficient mess for the restaurant staff!
5 years have come and gone. Yes, my husband and I have been married for 5 years! We celebrated with pizza, wine from our honeymoon and a cheesy movie.
5 years! Wow...
Where do you want to be in five years? That question is posed to us so often.
When I was 5, the answer I'm sure would have been "in a castle, with a pony."
Age 15 I would have said, "in college or a famous singer."
Age 20, "Married"
Age 22, "living in a city, NOT married"
Age 25, "an actress"
I was married and living on the east coast by the time I was 30. I joked once to my husband that by the time I was 35 I better have a baby or another dog...hmmm.

Were the 5 years that we have been married exactly as planned or hoped? Far from. Wonders, tragedies, heartbreaks, triumphs have all occurred.
As we move forward into the next 5 years of our marriage where do we want to be?

Well now, that's not entirely up to us anymore now is it?
Personally, I would like to have a bigger home, a space for my daughter to really play, a space for my husband to write, a reliable car.
But my daughter will be 5 years old by that time. While a bigger home and nicer "things" would be great, where I truly hope to be in 5 years? I hope to be in a special place in my daughter's memories. I hope in the next 5 years I can help her create traditions and memories and fun of her own.
It is always difficult to say where we'll be in 5 years because (thankfully) life takes us where it wants to. No couple knows that better than us!