So I had a couple of "moments" yesterday and maybe even learned a little bit.
First-Ty and I had our first "night out" alone since Evie Sue was born...7 months ago! Now, "night out" is a strong phrase. No we didn't go out for a night on the town, no fancy dinner or hotel room (although there was a reception with wine and lovely hors d'oeurves). Ty was involved in a reading of the play "8" by Dustin Lance Black about the federal case against Proposition 8 in California. Before I get too long winded about why this piece is so important to the rights of lesbian and gay couples and frankly, human beings, find a production in your area. It's happening all over the country and I believe it is very important.
The reading was great and the reception very nice. Was I able to concentrate completely? Of course not! Let me be clear. My daughter was with my brother in law's family for the night. My sister in law has always been one of the few, very few, people that I would be completely comfortable leaving my child with. Did it take any of the stress out of the situation? Of course not!
All went fine. She took her bottle of breast milk like a champ and snuggled, rolled around and played with her cousins all night. I only texted twice! I think I did pretty darn well.
What was my second moment?
Well, it started earlier in the day. Much earlier. 6:30 am earlier.
Evie Sue and I were up for her morning feeding and I knew she was not going straight back to bed so I needed to distract her a bit while I pumped. I put on Finding Nemo. Not only an amazing film but one of the first movies Ty and I saw together with a lot of special meaning to us. As I am setting my daughter up in front of the movie I flash back to seeing it for the first time and all of a sudden I panic! I recall the my own reaction during the beginning moments of the film (if you haven't see it stop reading) when Nemo's Mommy dies and I make a decision. My daughter does not need to see this. Someday she will have to deal with death and fear and sadness. Not today(yes I realize she is only 7 months and wouldn't understand but I do believe she would maybe "feel" the mood created by the scene with the scary music and fast moving mean, big fish!). So I skipped right over that (as well as some other "scary" scenes) and we watched the happy parts of the film. Does this mean that Evie Sue will never know why Nemo's Dad is so protective? Does it mean that she will forever think that Old Yeller saves his family from the wolf and all is right in the world? And will she always believe that Dumbo's and Bambi's Moms are just taking a nap?
No. But for now and for a few more years to come there is no need to expose my daughter things of that nature. She is an incredibly happy little girl. She has taught me so much about the power of positive energy that I would like to return that favor for a little while.
So what? That was the "moment"? Watching Finding Nemo? Really?
Well, not completely.
I have always been a person that holds grudges and sometimes I let that negativity of those grudges take over a little too much. Last night during the play reading they showed a video that featured a number of couples in love. Some joyful, some frustrated, some hopeful but all of them full of love. The song "What the World Needs Now" accompanied the video and I had a minor revelation.
Yes dammit. What the worlds needs now is in fact, love, sweet love! And for Evie Sue, that starts with me. That starts with me letting go. Letting go of stress, negativity, and not putting myself in situations that could create such feelings. That starts with skipping Nemo's Mommy's death scene!
Really Sara? You're never gonna be stressed or have negative feelings again? Well, that's unrealistic...especially for me! But I can make the effort. I can try. I can relax a little bit more. I can say no a little bit more. I can decide not to watch 48 Hours Mystery.
I can make my home a joyful place for my kid. Free of grudges and negativity and too many violent movies.
I know I can't shield her forever. I know I can't always be happy go lucky, stress free Mommy. But like I said earlier, I have learned so much from my daughter already. The power of positivity. Trying to live in each moment. Finding so much joy in discovering something new...or just bouncing up and down over and over again.
Evie Sue didn't choose me but I can choose to be a joyful person for her.