Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy Year

Here's the thing about the New Year. New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, New Year resolutions....New Beginning.
I feel like we've all seen this changeover of years as a new start. "This year, I'm getting my shit together!"
It's like a do over almost. If the past year sucked, you get to start over and try again...right?
As I move forward into said New Year with *gasp* a toddler(!), I realize how far from the truth these thoughts are.
I don't want any sort of do over. And let me tell you, my darling girl isn't slowing down for anyone!
I feel like in the past, when it was just about me, I could trick myself. "This year will be better", "This is THE year".
The year for what?
I also feel like we use this time of year to throw away the past year. "Last year sucked, I'm glad to be done with it!" I certainly know that in the past I have said these very words. But every day that passes we are "done" with. It is done. Finished. Over.
And that kind of sucks!
Yeah, things are always gonna go up and down in our lives, that's what makes it fun, ask the Grandma from Parenthood. But they keep moving forward, whether we like it or not.
I look back on thoughts I've had about New Years passed. And I'm pissed at myself.
Things are hard. For everyone. But I hate the fact that I have wished days, years, moments away simply because they didn't go the way I had planned or they hurt. Life hurts. I'm mad that I ever so easily dismissed months that have gone before because I was bored or I didn't get off my ass and do something...anything!
Yes, stupid, annoying, heartbreaking, frustrating things happened in 2012. And guess what? Other stupid, annoying...etc. things will happen in 2013.
But amazing things happened too!
If my darling girl has taught me anything, it is this. Life keeps going. And I want it to! I don't want to see 2013 as a "new beginning" or another shot to get it right. I want to see it as my daughter's second year of life. My 6th year of marriage.
And I don't want to "say goodbye" to 2012. I mean, yes, 2012 is over but good and bad it happened. I can ignore it and wish it away or I can relish the memories.
I guess what I am saying is the same thing we always say. Life is short and it moves fast! I've found my focus. I've found my reason to be in the moment every day, to love my year and not wish the passed one away. My daughter doesn't need any "do overs", she needs life. She needs to grow and learn. She needs to build memories. I want to help her. And to do that I need to remember, not to throw away, dismiss and forget.
I really loved 2012. Because it was my life.

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