A couple of days ago my baby girl, light of my life, joys of joys, the person I waited 9 months to meet, the person that my husband and I created(!) turned 4 months old. Really! 4 months of not sleeping well, breastfeeding, changing a gazillion (literally) diapers and having the time of my life. I have watched her grow from a tiny 6 lbs to a, well, tiny 11 lbs. I have pulled hair out and cried many a tear both sad and happy. I never believed I could have so many amazing feelings towards something so little. Someone that has changed my life in every way possible, all for the better.
But I have a secret.
Every Tuesday night, as I pull away in my car for my one night of work, I turn up the radio incredibly loud and sigh a tiny sigh of relief. The next 4 hours (roughly) are mine. I get to drive, really fast, and not worry about the tiny being that I am responsible for in the backseat because she is not with me those nights. I get to run around with my students and not worry about if my baby girl is being entertained, learning something or just plain safe because she is not with me.
I get to sing as loud as I want to whatever music I want and not worry about waking a sleeping baby or tainting her musical education with some pop crap that frankly, can be super fun to sing along to because she is at home.
She is at home safe in the arms of Daddy and I am free.
I know. I sound awful. I am the worst mother ever.
But damn it feels just a little good to drive away those nights with the window down and the massive weight of raising a human being off my shoulders for a few hours.
I have learned to let go (a little) and trust my husband (a little) and for a few hours each week I get to go away and let my husband and daughter bond.
Now don't get me wrong. I walk in the door after those few hours and I make a beeline for the Button. No hello kiss for the hubby, no pat on the head for the dog. I make a straight shot for my daughter, scoop her into my arms and hug and kiss her as if I've been gone for days. I've never known what it's like to miss a person like I miss her in those few hours.
Hmm...maybe I'm not the worst mother after all.