But only for now...

I closed my show yesterday. First show AB...yes, After Baby.
It has been a bittersweet experience. I have worked with this particular director on a number of occasions and we just seem to get each other (not to mention the fact that she has given me the gift of a few dream roles!). It has been a joy to work with her again. It has been a joy to do this particular show, a show that Ty and I have grown to love over the years. It has been a joy to do something just for me.
And I am so glad to be done!
I hope this is not misconstrued. I love doing shows, I love the people I work with, the characters I play. So why am I so relieved to be finished with a show I have always wanted to be a part of?
I am about to say something I have vowed never to say to another human being...so I will only say it here.
When you have kids, you'll understand.
I think this is one of the rudest, most condescending statements a person can make. But it's kind of true.
Disclaimer:If you never have kids you won't understand, exactly. And that is totally ok with me. Everyone has their own priorities and this is mine. (Which is exactly why I think this is such a rude statement-I couldn't care less if you ever have kids, not my business.)
I went out with the cast once. And that was when one of the Tony award winning composers happened to come to our show. I thought that might be a "not to be missed" opportunity.
I am usually the one yelling at other cast members for not going out. I have eaten my weight in pizza at Pub Dog. My husband gets really excited to see my shows...since that's really the only time he'll get to see me during the process!
But this one was different. I knew it going in. It was gonna be tough.
Have I always dreamed of bringing my child into the world of theatre by having her in tow for rehearsals? Yep! I mean how cool is that? My kid got to see "behind the scenes", got to listen to Mommy during music rehearsals, got her own private puppet show (she really loved Nicky and Ricky, blew her mind a little bit, not gonna lie). Did I mention how hard it is to concentrate on your lines when your infant child is doing something super cute? Or wailing cause she's hungry? Yeah...
And then there's the nights I didn't have her with me. Ugh. I missed her, every time! I would count the minutes until I got to see her again.
Now, I can say that I have done some pretty awesome, check off the bizarre bucket list things. Breast fed during music rehearsal. Pumped in my dressing room. Twice. Every night of the run. Makes me feel kind of badass.
And kind of like a mom.
These moments keep happening to me. Last night was the cast party. I went, had one drink and scooted home to see my hubby and be in bed by 9:30.
I may not do another show for a while. I don't know. This was hard because I now need to figure out a way for these two worlds to meet and that may take a little time. This show I was blessed with an incredibly understanding cast, loving supportive family and a kick ass husband! It was still hard.
As I sit here on this glorious morning post show having snuggled my girl into nap #1, knowing I don't have to be anywhere tonight, I am relieved. And sad. And relaxed.

But more than anything I am thrilled to have another entire day with Evie Sue. Priorities have shifted permanently.
I have traded late nights with the cast for rushing home to put baby to bed, gossiping in the green room for frantically pumping between scenes and crazy, fun pre show dance parties for goofy, fun post nap dance parties.
I love both of these worlds and one day I will make sure they have a proper introduction. For the moment I will put away my resume and take my place onstage in Evie Sue's life. For now I am a lead role and that may not always be the case.
At the risk of being cheesy and bringing myself and fellow castmates to tears, I will quote the show I just closed.
For now there's life, for now there's love, for now there's work, for now there's happiness. Everything in life...is only for now.

10 Months!

Wow. So it's been awhile. It's been a busy couple of months. Where to begin?
Evie Sue is mere days away from being 10 months old!
I know I always say this but...how the hell did that happen so fast? She is gorgeous, mischievous, beyond brilliant...ugh, I just love her. She is a crawling machine and one night at 4am I woke to find her standing up in her crib yelling, "Hook up the tap, Momma! Baby girl's hungry!"
I kid...or do I?
But for reals, a lot has happened.
Button and I flew to Minnesota for some much needed family time. She did great on the plane and was a huge hit with all her relatives (as we knew she would be). She got to meet Grandpa and her cousins, Auntie Kari and Uncle Scott(among many others) and of course "Great Uncle" Tom.
This was bittersweet as very soon after we returned home Tom lost his well fought battle with cancer. I was devastated and blessed all at the same time. We lost a wonderful man but my daughter got to meet him...and he got to meet her. I will always feel lucky for that.
We took a day trip to D.C. the other day and the babe had her first Metro ride and I got a glimpse of what life might be like if we ever make our way back to Chicago and city life...it was grand.

Evie Sue has also been able to spend a lot of time with Mommy at the theatre as I opened my latest show, Ave. Q. Now there is a strong possibility that my daughter's first word will be either pussy or fuck because of this but hey, what's a little 4 letter word compared to a puppet show every night in 5 part harmony?
Otherwise things continue. We have a rough schedule that we try and keep. She remains a relatively good sleeper, eater and all around happy girl. We have gotten in a habit of at least one meal together now that she eats what we eat.

Usually it ends up being breakfast. Pumpkin pancakes, cereal, omelets or just yogurt. Doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.
There are small daily struggles and large life struggles still. Not enough money for another car as one is slowly dying, teething, not enough time in general, and the occasional Mr. Mom evening of frustration and poop as Mommy goes off to work. None of it matters though. She is so incredible and so smart and so beautiful. I love to watch her figure shit out. I love being her Mom. As she sleeps in the next room all I can think about is how sad I will be tonight as I drop her off to hang with her cousins while I do my show. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to go do a little something for me for a few hours(even if I do count down the minutes until I see her again). And I am beyond grateful for loving and supportive family. But my heart breaks a tiny bit and swells immeasurably when she turns to me with that toothy grin and waves bye bye.
Now if you'll excuse me as I wipe my tears and go stare at my sleepy girl for a few minutes before she wakes up...

Goodbye.

I'm taking my own moment today to remember an amazing man who left this earth entirely too soon. Rest in Peace Tom.

8 months? You must be trippin'!

Remember that time I had a baby?
Because it was 8 months ago!!!
I have an 8 month old child!!!
It blows my mind that my tiny, sweet girl is a mere 4 months from being a year old!
Here are some of the big changes.
She is a champion sitter! She very rarely topples over anymore. She looks so grown up when she's sitting on the floor with one of her books.
We got her a big girl stroller...for $8! It's not that she wasn't ready for one before, it was always just easier to snap the car seat into the stroller base and go. But girly is getting heavy(!) and now that she joins me for rehearsal (For Ave. Q opening in October at Red Branch Theater!) she likes to be able to sit up and listen to those tenors wail!
Food wise there have also been some changes. I have always gone with the philosophy of "before a year, food is for fun". I have been lucky enough to breastfeed this whole time and hope that I am able to make it to a year. With that said we have done the cereal and I feel like it's done it's job. She can swallow, loves her spoon and makes chewing motions with her jaw so we have moved forward...slightly. I am terrified of food! I know that someday she will have to just choke a little and work through it, that's how she'll learn. But that's really scary! Sometimes I feel like my fears will be a disadvantage for her. But after talking to a good friend I realized we are doing just fine...for now. She eats bananas, some homemade purees(green beans, carrots), sweet potatoes, her Mum Mum crackers and even a bit of a banana cupcake!
And finally, Button went on a roadtrip! A 10 hour roadtrip! We drove to Woodstock, Vermont to a family reunion that is held every other year. While we were super excited to get outta dodge, we were a bit wary of taking an infant on such a long car ride. Here are some observations.

-Prepare yourself for the stress. Now I'm not saying to anticipate it so that you are stressed out the whole time. But if you know that some things will not go AT ALL the way you planned you can roll with it a little better.
-Break the law. Judge all you want. I may have nursed my child in a moving vehicle.
-No matter how lovely the place you stay, you will desperately crave the familiar, creature comforts of home.
I rock Evie Sue to sleep every night (and nap). We snuggle up in our ancient recliner chair and rock and sing until she falls asleep in my arms. They had plenty of rockers where we stayed. But the combination of old floors, old chairs and the excitement of meeting so many people who love her, made putting Button to sleep a bit challenging.
-Bring your monitor! Yes, we were all in the same house and there were plenty of people who could hear her if she cried. But it gave me so much more confidence to sit out with my family chatting late into the night with that tiny little monitor next to me. Anything for some peace of mind.
-People want to help you! I went into this trip with the feeling that Evie Sue is my child. She is my responsibility, not anyone else's. Ty and I will take care of her. I had to be reminded that we were with family. And family helps each other. Not once did I feel like I was taking advantage of anyone. Everyone was happy to watch the Button for a few minutes while I made the salad or had to pee.
-No matter how many "precautions" you take, a road trip and staying somewhere other than home will jack up your baby's schedule big time! She won't poop or sleep or eat at any of your regular times. Go with it.

All in all, it was a good trip (even with the horrendous traffic that kept us from getting home until 1 am). I have always enjoyed our Vermont trips and it was great to share it with the Button. It was also so wonderful to share her with so many people who love her. And it showed me what a great team my husband and I are.

There are plenty of other fish scenes in the sea.

So I had a couple of "moments" yesterday and maybe even learned a little bit.
First-Ty and I had our first "night out" alone since Evie Sue was born...7 months ago! Now, "night out" is a strong phrase. No we didn't go out for a night on the town, no fancy dinner or hotel room (although there was a reception with wine and lovely hors d'oeurves). Ty was involved in a reading of the play "8" by Dustin Lance Black about the federal case against Proposition 8 in California. Before I get too long winded about why this piece is so important to the rights of lesbian and gay couples and frankly, human beings, find a production in your area. It's happening all over the country and I believe it is very important.
The reading was great and the reception very nice. Was I able to concentrate completely? Of course not! Let me be clear. My daughter was with my brother in law's family for the night. My sister in law has always been one of the few, very few, people that I would be completely comfortable leaving my child with. Did it take any of the stress out of the situation? Of course not!
All went fine. She took her bottle of breast milk like a champ and snuggled, rolled around and played with her cousins all night. I only texted twice! I think I did pretty darn well.
What was my second moment?
Well, it started earlier in the day. Much earlier. 6:30 am earlier.
Evie Sue and I were up for her morning feeding and I knew she was not going straight back to bed so I needed to distract her a bit while I pumped. I put on Finding Nemo. Not only an amazing film but one of the first movies Ty and I saw together with a lot of special meaning to us. As I am setting my daughter up in front of the movie I flash back to seeing it for the first time and all of a sudden I panic! I recall the my own reaction during the beginning moments of the film (if you haven't see it stop reading) when Nemo's Mommy dies and I make a decision. My daughter does not need to see this. Someday she will have to deal with death and fear and sadness. Not today(yes I realize she is only 7 months and wouldn't understand but I do believe she would maybe "feel" the mood created by the scene with the scary music and fast moving mean, big fish!). So I skipped right over that (as well as some other "scary" scenes) and we watched the happy parts of the film. Does this mean that Evie Sue will never know why Nemo's Dad is so protective? Does it mean that she will forever think that Old Yeller saves his family from the wolf and all is right in the world? And will she always believe that Dumbo's and Bambi's Moms are just taking a nap?
No. But for now and for a few more years to come there is no need to expose my daughter things of that nature. She is an incredibly happy little girl. She has taught me so much about the power of positive energy that I would like to return that favor for a little while.
So what? That was the "moment"? Watching Finding Nemo? Really?
Well, not completely.
I have always been a person that holds grudges and sometimes I let that negativity of those grudges take over a little too much. Last night during the play reading they showed a video that featured a number of couples in love. Some joyful, some frustrated, some hopeful but all of them full of love. The song "What the World Needs Now" accompanied the video and I had a minor revelation.
Yes dammit. What the worlds needs now is in fact, love, sweet love! And for Evie Sue, that starts with me. That starts with me letting go. Letting go of stress, negativity, and not putting myself in situations that could create such feelings. That starts with skipping Nemo's Mommy's death scene!
Really Sara? You're never gonna be stressed or have negative feelings again? Well, that's unrealistic...especially for me! But I can make the effort. I can try. I can relax a little bit more. I can say no a little bit more. I can decide not to watch 48 Hours Mystery.
I can make my home a joyful place for my kid. Free of grudges and negativity and too many violent movies.

I know I can't shield her forever. I know I can't always be happy go lucky, stress free Mommy. But like I said earlier, I have learned so much from my daughter already. The power of positivity. Trying to live in each moment. Finding so much joy in discovering something new...or just bouncing up and down over and over again.
Evie Sue didn't choose me but I can choose to be a joyful person for her.

Fifty Shades of Crap!

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT! Do not read this if you have not read the book yet!
Ok! I gave in. I got on the wait list at the library (because I don't buy books unless I LOVE them) and decided to give it a go. I guess I'm sort of a "housewife", "stay at home mom", what have you, so I thought I would do something house wifey and read some porn.
What I got was just a badly written book.
Let's start with the obvious. I fully agree with my friend Jill on this. If you are British but choose to set your book in America...DO NOT use clearly British slang for god's sake!
Next, please, for crying out loud, know when enough is enough. If Anastasia "bit her lip" or "held someone at arm's length" or her frickin "scalp prickled" one more time I was gonna spank the bitch! I get the idea. Christian gets turned on by the lip thing. But every other page....really?
Now for the "porn" aspect. Have you ever read Moby Dick? You don't see the whale until over halfway through the book! Yes, we need a bit of a lead up, foreplay, you might say. But to have the first sex scene not happen until almost page 100. Come on! We all got the book for one reason and we have to sit through 90 something pages before we got to it.
AND WHEN WE DO...
Oh, E.L. James. You're a woman. So giving me a fucking break! Real porn is already unrealistic enough for the boys. But to have our innocent heroine come from nipple play? And then continue to come again and again from either plain old intercourse or just smacking at her with some leather? Really? Now you should know better dammit!
And frankly, they weren't even that hot! And they only lasted about a page each. And they only went into the Red Room of Pain twice! Ugh...
I didn't care about the characters...AT ALL. In fact, I was pissed at Anastasia for continually putting up with Christian's shit. He's a dick! Oh whaa! So he had some hard childhood. Nobody cares! Where's the dirty sex?
Yes, I realize it's not supposed to a "great" book and yes, it's supposed to be about the sex and not necessarily the storyline...well both sucked...and not in a good way!
I will not be wasting my time with the sequels.
And p.s. If you're going to make sure and point out every time he puts on a condom you cannot write "and he emptied himself into me". Because he didn't. He emptied himself INTO THE CONDOM! (idiot).

7 Month Itch.

Just when this seemed like the longest month ever, here we are. 7 months. So what, you may ask, is going on in my darling daughter's life? Here's some highlights.

Food: We have been doing cereal for over a month now and adding fruits and veggies here and there. Success'-Green Beans, Peas, Avocado and Carrots. Failures-Applesauce, Bananas. We have also started exploring more "solid" solids like Gerber puffs (she really enjoys scraping her teeth on these) and even a little whipped cream...which she loved! For the most part though, she is still on the Mommy tap.

Developmentally: She is sitting up pretty much on her own now. She can hold and turn pages in books. She is pretty possessive of her paci. She loves to bounce...all the time. She bounces in her activity chair, in my lap, while in my arms and just today, while sitting on the floor. She also has figured out how to spin herself around in her chair (which another Dad told me is a pretty big deal...um, ok).
She is beginning to express what she likes and doesn't like. She is not a fan of her vitamin drops...AT ALL. She literally whacks my hand out of her face when she sees it coming.
She is not crawling yet but she has figured out how to get where she wants by rolling and sort of "snaking" her way there.
Evie Sue even went in a pool for the first time!

Personality: My sweet little angel is starting to show off her sassy side. Putting her down for naps and bedtime has become a bit trying. She loves hanging out with us, especially Daddy, and sometimes she just doesn't want it to end. She also likes to freak out to the point where I take her out of sleep position(either cradled in my arms or lying across my chest, head on shoulder like she's hugging me) and once she's up she gives me a huge smile, starts to bounce and play with her paci...

But she is happy. She smiles all the time. She is inquisitive and joyful.

So...how's Mommy?
I'm ok. This is an interesting time. Button is getting bigger everyday and just as wiggly! But she stills needs to be held. I can't just plop her down on the floor with her toys. It can be frustrating. I do crave alone time. And yes, I do get it sometimes. When she does finally go down for naps they tend to be at least an hour (if not 3!) so I am able to clean...exactly...clean. I know that I should take time to just read or have another cup of coffee but I can always find something to do! I guess I'm officially a mom, huh?
It can still be a bit lonely here and there as well. Ty's schedule is still a bit erratic since his promotion (he is now management team for Trader Joe's! More $, less hours and two days off a week...in a row!). But there are some nights when he needs to go to sleep pretty early, like tonight, so I end up still putting the Button to bed or walking the dog alone. It's rough, but who's life isn't huh?

7 months of parenthood!

Sick of it yet? Not even close! In the upcoming months we are venturing into traveling with Evie Sue. She will meet a ton of cousins and some great aunts and uncles in Vermont in August. In September (fingers crossed) we hope to make the trip to Minnesota. Evie Sue has some pretty darn important family members there that she has never met!
I love our adventures,even if it's just to a birthday party or a bbq. I love watching her explore and discover. I love everything about my little Button. I can't wait to see what the next month brings!