My heart is breaking tonight. As I sit, cuddling with my little baby Tootsie I am all too aware that my father in law is at this very moment, having his German Shepard, Trixie, put to sleep after 10 years of devotion.
It is a very helpless feeling knowing that someone you love is going through something so hard. I have no idea how I will make it through the inevitable day, a long time from now, when I will have to make that horrible decision.
It has not been the easiest 6 months for my father in law, or any of us for that matter. If you weren't already aware, Ty's mother passed away last July after a 7 year battle with Ovarian cancer. I can't even fathom losing my mom at this point in my life. Having to watch my husband go through that was nothing less than devastating. I adored my mother in law. I always said I got really lucky in the "in law" department, I mean, come on, if anything she gave me the love of my life! So not only was I losing someone I loved, cared for and admired but I had to also deal with the helpless feelings of not knowing how to support Ty.
We made it through the summer, somehow, hand in hand. We changed our focus from a move to Chicago to supporting Ty's family here.
As the holidays approached we braced ourselves. It was difficult to say the least. Every tradition, song, ornament a memory. We did what we could. We went to church on Christmas Eve as Sue would have wanted, instead of party hopping on New Year's we decided on a quiet night on the bay with Ty's dad, a bottle of champagne and a movie. And on New Year's day, the day of the Cobb's annual open house, we all made it a point to be together as the open house was cancelled.
We didn't do these things because we had to, we did them because we needed to and it was right to do them.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing my partner. Nor can I imagine losing my dog. My heart breaks for my father in law who has had to endure both in the last 6 months. I can only hope that we can provide even a little support to help with these losses that have affected us all.
It has taken me awhile to be able to write about losing Sue. I never knew what to say or how to say it eloquently on a blog. It took another loss for me to be able to put my feelings out there. I am not comparing the loss of a dog to the loss of a person but as an old friend once said to me, "Don't compare pain. Pain is pain."
I can only hope we can continue to support each other as a family. The days go by and someday the pain of these losses will seem less although it is hard to imagine how that could ever be.
I, myself, when caught in a moment of grief, will remember Trixie trying with all her might to catch up with Tootsie in the backyard, invigorated by this 13 pound mutt playing chase with her.
I will also remember the smile and utter joy on my mother in law's face while watching Ty in what would become the last show she would see him in.
That is how I will make it through.

Off the top of my head I can think of at least 5 or 6 movies I could watch over and over again. Goodfellas, Love Actually, St. Elmo's Fire, Groundhog Day...you get the point. These do not include the movies that I come across on t.v. and can't pass up. The Godfather, Once Bitten, Stayin' Alive. My point here folks, is that I find it rather easy to pick out movies to watch again and again. Movies are pretty mindless for the most part and it can be relaxing and somewhat comforting to review an old fave. I mean, for God's sake, St. Elmo's is such an all time favorite of mine that I actually refer to it as "my friends"! Really!
Anyhoo....My question to you...oh blogger reader..."Is there a BOOK that you can read over and over again?"
I have found very few. I can count on one hand, albeit I fill that hand, how many books I can/have read more than once. You want the list? You know you do...
Here we go
Talking to Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede - I read this book waaaaay back in the day. Apparently it is part of a series (who knew?) and I have never read any other parts of it. All I remember was a very fun, adventure filled fantasy tale of a young man and a fire witch...god, I wanted to be a fire witch! I loved it, I acted it out(!), I read it twice.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson - I am pretty sure that the only reason I read this in the first place was to look badass in the eyes of some guy...but i loved it! It was funny, strange and took me on a crazy ride. I read it twice.
The last three I will lump together. Two words, reader. Ruth. Reichl. She is the editor in chief of Gourmet magazine, was the chief food critic for the New York Times from '93-'99 and could be my new favorite author. I was introduced to the first of her memoirs on my honeymoon by Ty's aunt, Tender At The Bone. I flew through it and on my return to normal life I promptly purchased her next two.
Comfort Me With Apples
Garlic and Sapphires
I am currently reading Garlic and Sapphires for the second time and really that is only because I very recently reread Comfort Me With Apples and I feel that I should not overstay my welcome by reading it for a third time in less than 2 years. Comfort Me With Apples is my favorite out of the three but they are all excellent. She writes about food and traveling, love and loss and she does it all with care and wit. She is funny and self deprecating and I adore her. I want to go where she goes and eat what she eats. She has incredible ways of describing food. 'Translucent', 'The bird tasted wild and funky, with that high, almost electric note you find only in birds that have never been caged', and she has referred to wine more than once as 'the garnet liquid'.
AND(!) every one of her memoirs is peppered with recipes (not that I've tried any...yet). Oh, and you don't even have to read them in order.
I know she has written other cookbooks and introductions to other author's books. She has also written another memoir, Not Becoming My Mother and I have not heard great things. For now I will stick with the three I love. If you love food, as I do, and love really good writing, I encourage you to check them out. Enjoy.

I had cabin fever today. One would think that I would go for a walk downtown since it's 50 degrees out. Or maybe hit up a local craft fair. I went to the mall. Now I know what you will say...'Are you freakin' crazy? Going to the mall 2 days after Christmas?' Here's the thing, parking downtown sucks and frankly, I really don't like crafts, so yes, I went to the mall. I didn't really have anything I needed to do so I figured I could just walk and people watch. I wanted to pick up a new shirt for the husband, some bath crap and some hot cocoa from Starbucks.
I get the new shirt, done. Now I really can just meander because the other shit I could possibly do without. I pass Starbucks. Short line, cocoa is on sale, score(!) and done. I am coming around the corner to do my last length of the mall before heading to Trader Joe's and something is off. I hear this familiar buzzing sound but of course I am really not paying attention, just walking. Then I see this new window, bright colors and a sign on the door, something about "pleasurable pain"....WHAT? I do a double take and there it is folks, we knew this day would come but I was hoping to be in my 80's so I could say to my grandchildren, "I got my tattoos by a hippie pothead in a seedy shop in the Haight/Ashbury neighborhood in San Fran, not a mall!" Yep. My mall has a tattoo parlor. This may not be news to some but I really don't like going to the mall so it's been awhile.
And here's my real problem. I have been wanting another tattoo for awhile. I've done the research and I am pretty sure I know what I want and where...but the fact that my neighborhood mall has a clean, pretty tattoo shop with teeny boppers for artists sort of makes it a little, well "uncool". Now I realize the whole subculture idea of tattoos and body piercings and all of that is to prove that we don't care what's "cool" or not, we just want to "express ourselves". Which of course is bullshit. I have 3 tattoos and I think I am pretty badass. But that is besides the point. The last thing I want to hear when I finally do get my next tattoo is "OMG! Did you get that at the mall?"

Alrighty...been awhile!
Now I am aware that I have quoted the genius that is the Indigo Girls before and guess what? Gonna do it again folks. In fact, I am going to discuss the same quote that I have used in the past and why I think it could possibly be my favorite song lyric ever.
Looking back it is no surprise to me that the last time I used this song lyric was to help describe a really simple, wonderful day. About a year ago I had the day off and I decided on a whim to take my dog with me for a ride to get some Dunkin' Donuts coffee. The coffee ended up being free and for some reason this shaped the rest of my day. The fact that DD was hooking me up made me decide that rather than head home I should see where the day would take me.
You can see the rest of that day in a previous blog. Back to the now.
I have this problem in my car you see. My husband calls it "the place where cd's go to die" and sadly, it is true. I try! I really do but inevitably my cd's end up on the floor scratched, sometimes even cracked, and in general, not the most "playable". Over time I have lost many a cd to this "problem", including a few Indigo Girls cd's, cause let's be real...what could be better than driving along, window down, listening and singing along with the Girls. So the other day when I had a chance to purchase an IG cd for pretty cheap I jumped at it. I bought Swamp Ophelia for what feels like at least the third time...oh well. It has some incredible songs on it including "Power of Two", "Dead Man's Hill", "The Wood Song", and "Mystery". Which brings us to our lyric.
Now I don't pretend to know what Emily and Amy were thinking about when they wrote "Mystery", I can only tell you what it means to me and I'm not even gonna do that. I have this very strong belief that everyone loves the Indigo Girls for their own reasons. Everyone has a Ghost of their own and everyone in some way or another believes that Love Will Come To You and I choose not to ruin how someone feels about a particular song. Just one line...that's all we're discussing.

"I could go crazy on a night like tonight when summer's beginning to give up her fight..."

Again, I don't pretend to know what this lyric means to the brilliant women who wrote it, I only know how it makes me feel. It can make me smile on the cloudiest of days, it can make my heart swell so much that I cannot contain my voice and I am forced to sing along and the sense memory of an evening like they describe can send me back centuries. It helps that fall is my favorite season but really, who doesn't know that kind of night? "When summer's beginning to give up her fight". Who doesn't know what that feels like? It's not even a change in weather. It's a shift, a tiny breeze and you realize that summer is over. It smacks you in the face one day and you pull out your favorite fleece pullover and cuddly jeans. A subtle change and a death has happened along with a rebirth.
Some people see that day as sad. Here comes the cold, back to school, no more long days in the sun.
I've never thought that way. I always saw that day that summer starts giving up her fight as a new possibility. A new season, chance to cuddle, a new school year, reinvention, and long nights by the bonfire.
I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about this for god's sake it's just a song. I guess when music and words join together so perfectly I see it as a little bit of magic.
And every fall without fail since I first heard that song, the day will come, the wind will shift just so and I will smile and quietly say within myself..."Look at that, here it is...summer's beginning to give up her fight".

Understudy steps in and shines - baltimoresun.com

So the following is a "review" of the last show I did by the Baltimore Sun. I put review in quotations because they couldn't technically review the production because of the short run but what they did was a post review of sorts..kinda saying "Hey! Look at what you missed, check out the next show they're doing!"
If I do say so myself, it's a pretty stellar review!


Understudy steps in and shines - baltimoresun.com

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Here's the thing about cars.

I hate them.....HATE. I hate that I have to rely on a hunk a junk, shrink my wallet, piece of soul stealing...well, steel!
Long story short...my husband and I moved away from the self sufficient, EL and bike riding city for a job in the "burbs". We thought "Hey, change of scenery, closer to parts of our family, better money, more time to figure out our lives, better place to raise a family, better place to "grow up".
What we got was cars.
Expensive, greedy, broken down on the side of the road cars. I have put at the very least TRIPLE the amount of money into my car than I actually paid for it. TRIPLE people.
What does that break down to? Close to $5000...and that does NOT include gas.
It also does not include the stress involved with worrying about what is going to go wrong with your car at any given moment and being stranded.....in a city, you miss a bus or a train? Usually there is one right behind it.
I'm about to make a very bold statement.
In a million lifetimes, I NEVER want to own another car again...EVER!
Really and truly, I don't see the point. They cost too much money, they're bad for the environment and dammit we could all use a little bit of exercise!
I lived in a city, a great city, where the public transportation, I believe, is one of the best in the world. At any given moment I could get to any part of the city I wanted by train, bus, bike or foot. Yes, there were frustrating moments of being stuck underground (longest I ever got stuck was 45 minutes....beats the 3 hour commute my husband can have if the traffic is bad) and I guess if you HAVE to get somewhere...I mean REALLY fast a car can be a good thing. But I truly believe that I could live a life without owning a car....and I will....(live that life...not own another car).
Here's what it breaks down to.
A CTA (Chicago public transportation) day pass (that's UNLIMITED rides for 24 hours) is $5.75...which is about $2100 a year. A 7 day pass (unlimited for 7 days..see you're getting the idea) is $23 or about $1200 a year. And yes they even sell a 30 day pass for $86, with fingers crossed that you don't lose it that's only $1032 a year.
Now ask yourself what you spend in gas per year....just gas.
But Sara, what about when you have children? What about major grocery shopping? What am I, an invalid? I once had a woman in a dog park say that to me....not that I'm an invalid but that you can't have children in a city....WHAT???? I would KILL to raise my kids in a well rounded, culturally diverse city where they can learn to take a bus and a train and ride their bikes places.
And do you know how many people move out of the way when a pregnant woman/mother with a stroller/parents with little kids get on public transport?......all of them!
That's what people don't seem to get when they haven't been exposed to a city that relies on public transportation. Everyone uses it! Not just the bums or the people that can't afford a car. People can actually be kind and courteous on the bus....yes, they can.
I know what you're saying...But Sara...you'll still be relying on a huge piece of steel. The difference is...for the most part this hunk of steel is reliable and I don't have to pay $1700 out of pocket the day it decides to break down right outside the beltway!
Oh and p.s. before we left Chicago I was riding my bike to and from work...you know what I was paying for that...a whole lot of nothing!
My long winded point being. While I love living close to family and I love my friends here and really Annapolis is pretty cool, I like having a car be a luxury in my life...not a necessity.
At this moment I could happily live my life relying on the lovely men and women of the CTA, my little yellow Madwagon beach cruiser bike and the occasional taxi cab.

Ca-Crack!

That is the sound of my heart breaking just a little bit today.
If you know anything about me, it's this. I love my dog. My Tootsie is my baby. I treat her like my child because essentially she is. She relies on me for food, shelter, general health care and tlc. Yes, I realize there are people out there (people who are friends of mine...family for god's sake!) who find this ridiculous. And I have this to say to you....bite me. We all have things that are important to us and she is just one of the things that is utterly important to me and my happiness. She is my family and if you don't treat your pet like a part of the family maybe you shouldn't have one.
That being said, not everyone needs to talk to their dog or have their dog sleep in their bed with them like I do...I'm just saying don't judge, bitches.
Anyhoo, back to my story. A while back the Tooter (as we affectionately call her) was attacked by another dog in our neighborhood. If you know the Toot, you are aware that she has a bit of a Napoleon complex. She is about 10 pounds and acts like she's a Rottweiler. She is a sassy-pants....especially on the leash. Off leash she will run, cavort, and of course bark in other dog's faces. But never in an aggressive way. She is a dominant female but she has never laid a tooth on another dog. But when she is on the leash she apparently gets very upset that she can't get to the other dog...or maybe it's that we pull her away, I don't know. All I know is that she looks like a crazy, rabid brat when we are walking her on leash. Once again, she never snaps or anything....she just barks.....like crazy!
Because of this I am always aware while walking her. I keep her close to me while other dogs go by and try to warn other owners of this behavior before letting the dogs meet.
Okay, so long story short....this "attack" was nobody's fault. Both dog's were on the leash it was just bad judgment in general. I shouldn't have let them meet knowing Tooter's behavior and the other dog (a black lab) was being walked by the owner's mother...who didn't realize that the dog she was walking would mistake my dog for a squirrel...aka dinner. I took my girl to the vet, got her some pain meds and the other owner paid for all of it. Done and done...so I thought.
Lately when we've walked her she hasn't wanted to go near their house. Now she wasn't attacked near their house so I was confused by this. Sometimes she gets all stubborn and just won't go, other times she's just fine. I let it go, chalked it up to a lazy dog.
Today, like many of my days off, the Toot and I were a bit lazy. A nice lazy day filled with laundry, Sex and the City, and many cups of cinnamon coffee. Halfway through my second load of laundry I decide the girl and I should go for a long walk. The rain had stopped, the sun was peaking out and frankly, Tootsie and I could use the exercise. My plan was to walk down passed the speedbump, passed the black lab's house, around the block to pass another dog named Kelly's house, down to the river and back up past our mailbox to get the mail. We start to head towards the speedbump....sometimes we only walk to the speedbump so it made sense that Toot would get stubborn thinking it was gonna be a short walk....I kept pulling. We made it passed the speedbump and start rounding the corner to the black lab's house. She starts to stop, I keep pulling, I drop my poop baggie, I bend down.....just as I do this I hear the barking. The black lab has come out onto her fenced deck...she can't get to us but she is sticking her head out of the fence barking like mad. I look over at my tiny little girl. Her tail has tucked itself under her little butt and she is pulling so hard on her leash in the other direction that I almost drop it.
I calmly turn in the other direction and continue our walk, I don't want to stress out my baby but folks I gotta be real with you. It was so sad to see that my baby girl was still affected by this. That the sight of this dog would get her so worked up again. She is still a sassy-pants with other dogs that I just assumed she was ok. It really did break my heart a little bit.
Not sure that we will be walking past that house again.
(.....makes me feel bad for the future bullies of my kid cause frankly, i wanted to walk over and kick the other dog for scaring my Tooter)