Work it.

Just over a month ago I went back to work. Full. Time.
After 14 months at home with my sweet girl I joined the workforce again at full force! I am the new Director at My Gym Annapolis and I couldn't be more excited. Or devastated. I've had some time to get used to it. Or really I should say that I hardly had time before I HAD to get used to it. Within a month I got the offer, found the daycare and started. It's awesome, my boss rocks, I really enjoy my days and as expected, Evie Sue is doing great at daycare.
But life has changed dramatically. I went from spending my days crawling around after my girl, finding fun, educational stuff for us to do to crawling around after 15 kids, teaching 3-6 classes a day and barely having the time to desperately miss my darling daughter.
It's been hard. Really hard. I miss her every second...but I really like my job. I feel as if I have had the best and worst of each world. One second I feel guilty for enjoying my job, the next guilty for wanting to be at home with Evie all day long again. It's a lovely never ending cycle.
And other aspects of my life have changed.
I've said this before too. You know who your real friends are when you have a kid. I know that all of our lives move forward and people lose touch for many reasons and get busy and that it takes effort on both ends...yes, I get it.
I have been lucky to have a couple of friends who have been incredible as I made the insane transition into Motherhood. They were supportive, proactive, and just...there. Of course these girlfriends have since moved far, far away...or in one case, already lived far away.
Ty and I are on almost opposite schedules these days so we try and take our time together as seriously as we can. But it's difficult on the nights when he is gone to pick up the phone, call a girlfriend and say "I've worked a 9 hour day and my kid has to go to sleep in an hour...wanna come over and keep me company while we quietly sip our cheap wine as to not wake the babe?"

Sounds like fun, huh?

I get overwhelmed. I get lonely. I get sad. I get tired. I need to be alone with my daughter and I need to spend time with girlfriends. Guess I'm human huh? I miss nights out. I miss certain people. I miss, for lack of a better term, freedom. I know it sounds harsh but it's kind of true. I don't get to go out on a whim. I missed a show with a group of friends because I couldn't get a sitter. Evie Sue is in bed by 8 at the latest and I...hang on my couch.
But as usual, as I rock my girl to sleep and she sits up just to smile at me, I couldn't imagine a better night. Nothing, and I mean nothing, tops your kid smiling at you and throwing her arms around you, ready to snuggle to sleep. I would give up almost anything for that.

Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a working mom is hard. I am proud to say I have had the great fortune to be both.

Happy Year

Here's the thing about the New Year. New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, New Year resolutions....New Beginning.
I feel like we've all seen this changeover of years as a new start. "This year, I'm getting my shit together!"
It's like a do over almost. If the past year sucked, you get to start over and try again...right?
As I move forward into said New Year with *gasp* a toddler(!), I realize how far from the truth these thoughts are.
I don't want any sort of do over. And let me tell you, my darling girl isn't slowing down for anyone!
I feel like in the past, when it was just about me, I could trick myself. "This year will be better", "This is THE year".
The year for what?
I also feel like we use this time of year to throw away the past year. "Last year sucked, I'm glad to be done with it!" I certainly know that in the past I have said these very words. But every day that passes we are "done" with. It is done. Finished. Over.
And that kind of sucks!
Yeah, things are always gonna go up and down in our lives, that's what makes it fun, ask the Grandma from Parenthood. But they keep moving forward, whether we like it or not.
I look back on thoughts I've had about New Years passed. And I'm pissed at myself.
Things are hard. For everyone. But I hate the fact that I have wished days, years, moments away simply because they didn't go the way I had planned or they hurt. Life hurts. I'm mad that I ever so easily dismissed months that have gone before because I was bored or I didn't get off my ass and do something...anything!
Yes, stupid, annoying, heartbreaking, frustrating things happened in 2012. And guess what? Other stupid, annoying...etc. things will happen in 2013.
But amazing things happened too!
If my darling girl has taught me anything, it is this. Life keeps going. And I want it to! I don't want to see 2013 as a "new beginning" or another shot to get it right. I want to see it as my daughter's second year of life. My 6th year of marriage.
And I don't want to "say goodbye" to 2012. I mean, yes, 2012 is over but good and bad it happened. I can ignore it and wish it away or I can relish the memories.
I guess what I am saying is the same thing we always say. Life is short and it moves fast! I've found my focus. I've found my reason to be in the moment every day, to love my year and not wish the passed one away. My daughter doesn't need any "do overs", she needs life. She needs to grow and learn. She needs to build memories. I want to help her. And to do that I need to remember, not to throw away, dismiss and forget.
I really loved 2012. Because it was my life.

One Year

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of
love.

Jonathan Larson could easily have been writing about a first year of parenthood.
My daring girl, my soul, my life, my joy....is one year old.
How do I measure that? The daylights I get to spend with her. The midnights I stayed up until(and past). The cups of coffee...well, I've always loved my coffee.
The inches she grown, the miles we've traveled. The laughter she's brought us and the strife we put ourselves through as we try and provide for our sweet baby.

But in true Broadway show tune fashion I will in fact, always measure this year in love. Because before this year I had no idea what love was. I truly learned how to love unconditionally.
What else have I learned in this past year?
Patience. Parenthood is a true lesson in patience and I know it's only just begun. I have never been a patient person, really. But Evie Sue has taught me how to slow down. Slow down and appreciate, slow down so that the diaper is put on correctly, slow down, Momma!
How to breathe. I learned how to take a deep breath and apply it to what is happening. No nap? Deep breath. More whining? Deep Breath. Heavy eyelids? Deep breath. Baby falls on her butt? Deep breath. Daddy gives her a massive piece of food you are convinced she will choke on (of course she doesn't)? Deeeeeep breath.
How to let go. As a Mom, and more specifically a stay at home Mom, you figure out how to do it all. And dammit it better be done your way...all the time...right?
Oh how very wrong. I had to learn (and I continue) to let Ty do things his way. To allow Evie Sue to explore on her own. To let the dog lick her face. To let her learn. On her own.
In the wake of recent events this last one is hard. Very hard.
They say you should congratulate parents at the first birthday. For making it through. While I do agree, this day will be about her and all the joy that she is. She won't remember. We're not doing anything big. I making her favorite, banana cupcakes, and really I'm not even sure if they are her favorite.
But we will celebrate her. Her. Who is everything to me and mine. Who is love.

The Last 5 Years

It is 9am. I am sitting at our kitchen table watching Evie Sue shove handfuls of scrambled egg into her mouth and giggling. I am drinking coffee that my hubby had set for me before he left and eating a slice of cranberry almond bread I made from scratch.

Who am I!?

Two weeks from today I will be frantically baking banana cupcakes and decorating our place for my sweet girl's 1st birthday!

How did that happen!?

11 months have come and gone. I took Evie out for lunch and a practice cupcake. She did great, making a sufficient mess for the restaurant staff!
5 years have come and gone. Yes, my husband and I have been married for 5 years! We celebrated with pizza, wine from our honeymoon and a cheesy movie.
5 years! Wow...
Where do you want to be in five years? That question is posed to us so often.
When I was 5, the answer I'm sure would have been "in a castle, with a pony."
Age 15 I would have said, "in college or a famous singer."
Age 20, "Married"
Age 22, "living in a city, NOT married"
Age 25, "an actress"
I was married and living on the east coast by the time I was 30. I joked once to my husband that by the time I was 35 I better have a baby or another dog...hmmm.

Were the 5 years that we have been married exactly as planned or hoped? Far from. Wonders, tragedies, heartbreaks, triumphs have all occurred.
As we move forward into the next 5 years of our marriage where do we want to be?

Well now, that's not entirely up to us anymore now is it?
Personally, I would like to have a bigger home, a space for my daughter to really play, a space for my husband to write, a reliable car.
But my daughter will be 5 years old by that time. While a bigger home and nicer "things" would be great, where I truly hope to be in 5 years? I hope to be in a special place in my daughter's memories. I hope in the next 5 years I can help her create traditions and memories and fun of her own.
It is always difficult to say where we'll be in 5 years because (thankfully) life takes us where it wants to. No couple knows that better than us!

But only for now...

I closed my show yesterday. First show AB...yes, After Baby.
It has been a bittersweet experience. I have worked with this particular director on a number of occasions and we just seem to get each other (not to mention the fact that she has given me the gift of a few dream roles!). It has been a joy to work with her again. It has been a joy to do this particular show, a show that Ty and I have grown to love over the years. It has been a joy to do something just for me.
And I am so glad to be done!
I hope this is not misconstrued. I love doing shows, I love the people I work with, the characters I play. So why am I so relieved to be finished with a show I have always wanted to be a part of?
I am about to say something I have vowed never to say to another human being...so I will only say it here.
When you have kids, you'll understand.
I think this is one of the rudest, most condescending statements a person can make. But it's kind of true.
Disclaimer:If you never have kids you won't understand, exactly. And that is totally ok with me. Everyone has their own priorities and this is mine. (Which is exactly why I think this is such a rude statement-I couldn't care less if you ever have kids, not my business.)
I went out with the cast once. And that was when one of the Tony award winning composers happened to come to our show. I thought that might be a "not to be missed" opportunity.
I am usually the one yelling at other cast members for not going out. I have eaten my weight in pizza at Pub Dog. My husband gets really excited to see my shows...since that's really the only time he'll get to see me during the process!
But this one was different. I knew it going in. It was gonna be tough.
Have I always dreamed of bringing my child into the world of theatre by having her in tow for rehearsals? Yep! I mean how cool is that? My kid got to see "behind the scenes", got to listen to Mommy during music rehearsals, got her own private puppet show (she really loved Nicky and Ricky, blew her mind a little bit, not gonna lie). Did I mention how hard it is to concentrate on your lines when your infant child is doing something super cute? Or wailing cause she's hungry? Yeah...
And then there's the nights I didn't have her with me. Ugh. I missed her, every time! I would count the minutes until I got to see her again.
Now, I can say that I have done some pretty awesome, check off the bizarre bucket list things. Breast fed during music rehearsal. Pumped in my dressing room. Twice. Every night of the run. Makes me feel kind of badass.
And kind of like a mom.
These moments keep happening to me. Last night was the cast party. I went, had one drink and scooted home to see my hubby and be in bed by 9:30.
I may not do another show for a while. I don't know. This was hard because I now need to figure out a way for these two worlds to meet and that may take a little time. This show I was blessed with an incredibly understanding cast, loving supportive family and a kick ass husband! It was still hard.
As I sit here on this glorious morning post show having snuggled my girl into nap #1, knowing I don't have to be anywhere tonight, I am relieved. And sad. And relaxed.

But more than anything I am thrilled to have another entire day with Evie Sue. Priorities have shifted permanently.
I have traded late nights with the cast for rushing home to put baby to bed, gossiping in the green room for frantically pumping between scenes and crazy, fun pre show dance parties for goofy, fun post nap dance parties.
I love both of these worlds and one day I will make sure they have a proper introduction. For the moment I will put away my resume and take my place onstage in Evie Sue's life. For now I am a lead role and that may not always be the case.
At the risk of being cheesy and bringing myself and fellow castmates to tears, I will quote the show I just closed.
For now there's life, for now there's love, for now there's work, for now there's happiness. Everything in life...is only for now.

10 Months!

Wow. So it's been awhile. It's been a busy couple of months. Where to begin?
Evie Sue is mere days away from being 10 months old!
I know I always say this but...how the hell did that happen so fast? She is gorgeous, mischievous, beyond brilliant...ugh, I just love her. She is a crawling machine and one night at 4am I woke to find her standing up in her crib yelling, "Hook up the tap, Momma! Baby girl's hungry!"
I kid...or do I?
But for reals, a lot has happened.
Button and I flew to Minnesota for some much needed family time. She did great on the plane and was a huge hit with all her relatives (as we knew she would be). She got to meet Grandpa and her cousins, Auntie Kari and Uncle Scott(among many others) and of course "Great Uncle" Tom.
This was bittersweet as very soon after we returned home Tom lost his well fought battle with cancer. I was devastated and blessed all at the same time. We lost a wonderful man but my daughter got to meet him...and he got to meet her. I will always feel lucky for that.
We took a day trip to D.C. the other day and the babe had her first Metro ride and I got a glimpse of what life might be like if we ever make our way back to Chicago and city life...it was grand.

Evie Sue has also been able to spend a lot of time with Mommy at the theatre as I opened my latest show, Ave. Q. Now there is a strong possibility that my daughter's first word will be either pussy or fuck because of this but hey, what's a little 4 letter word compared to a puppet show every night in 5 part harmony?
Otherwise things continue. We have a rough schedule that we try and keep. She remains a relatively good sleeper, eater and all around happy girl. We have gotten in a habit of at least one meal together now that she eats what we eat.

Usually it ends up being breakfast. Pumpkin pancakes, cereal, omelets or just yogurt. Doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.
There are small daily struggles and large life struggles still. Not enough money for another car as one is slowly dying, teething, not enough time in general, and the occasional Mr. Mom evening of frustration and poop as Mommy goes off to work. None of it matters though. She is so incredible and so smart and so beautiful. I love to watch her figure shit out. I love being her Mom. As she sleeps in the next room all I can think about is how sad I will be tonight as I drop her off to hang with her cousins while I do my show. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to go do a little something for me for a few hours(even if I do count down the minutes until I see her again). And I am beyond grateful for loving and supportive family. But my heart breaks a tiny bit and swells immeasurably when she turns to me with that toothy grin and waves bye bye.
Now if you'll excuse me as I wipe my tears and go stare at my sleepy girl for a few minutes before she wakes up...

Goodbye.

I'm taking my own moment today to remember an amazing man who left this earth entirely too soon. Rest in Peace Tom.