Peek A Poo

Yes, you read that right. Poo. Peek A Poo. It's a game I've invented since I never, ever, ever, ever get to take a crap by myself. Ever.
I'm sure I've written about this before. It's an occupational hazard of becoming a stay at home parent. Inevitably the call of nature bellows and you must answer. Whether your child is not walking yet, crawling or hey, just wants to hang, you are going to have to make room for one more in the most private of places. The shitter.
These days I've worked out a system. It includes a booster high chair and some snacks (for her...not me). But let's back up.

You have a beautiful baby, you're in bliss. You gotta drop a deuce. No prob, your partner lovingly takes the child and you head for the potty. Flash forward 2-3 weeks, your partner returns to work and you are left with your amazing child...who cannot be left alone (really, like legally you shouldn't leave her alone). But really, the moment will come when you need to use the restroom. You'll be good at first, you'll hold out until she's asleep...she will, I repeat she will wake up the moment you sit down.
I started by laying her in her carseat right in front of the open bathroom door. However, the dreaded day will come that yes, you will need to hold your beautiful, perfect, pristine newborn as you drop the "other kids" off at the pool. Yep, I said it. We, as parents, have all done it (and frankly, I'm not convinced you truly are a parent until you've had a staring contest with your kiddo while blowing the butt trumpet).
Now all of this is well and good. It happens, right? Shit, I mean.
Now add another kid.
And a dog.
Because even when Ty has both of the girls, Tootsie feels the need to come and check on me.
Butt (see what I did there?) back to that second kid.
I'll have RP all set up with snacks. She's smiling and happy, I'm about to back up the brown trailer in the garage and ESC come barreling in to "help".
"Hi, Mom. Don't worry I got RP. Whatcha doin? Are you pooping? (giggle, giggle) Peeeeyooooo"
As you can imagine this is all veeery fucking helpful.
So yes, most days there is a party/audience in my bathroom. And some days RP and I even enjoy a little round of Battleshits (yep, what it sounds like, yep, stolen from the White Castle movie).
My point of this post (besides grossing everyone out and finding new euphemisms for pooping) is to point out that we are never alone as parents. I can't cook without a child underfoot. Phone calls often include telling at least one child to shut the hell up please be quiet. Uninterrupted sleep? Doesn't exist. Car ride without kiddie songs? Nope. Dinner alone would need to be booked months in advance and you'd better pray nobody gets sick!
But when I get in my car alone, I find myself looking up the song from the movie ESC and I watched last night. If Ty and I ever get a night out, we often chat about our lovely ladies. If I ever find myself with a moment or two to myself, my heart is filled with thoughts of my girls.
Yes, I can every so often be alone, but my heart and soul are always filled with my babies. So while I pray that one day I do, in fact, get to do a number 2 all by my lonesome, there are 2 that I will never be without.
And I'll never want to.

The Babes

So we had this second baby...and it all went to shit.
Of course that's not at all true.
Except that it sort of is.
They say 2 kids is more like 100. I say its more like 872.
872 monkeys. With choking hazards. Who all want attention. Right now!
My house will never again be quiet. Because once you have more than one child I think it's actually a rule that the decibel level in your home needs to go up...by a gazillion. Imagine your sweet newborn crying. And then the big sister wants to sing a lullaby to help out however the baby is having none of it so she cries louder, so big sister sings louder and so on and so forth until you actually understand torture techniques and goddammit you'll give up every fucking secret for just 5 minutes of silence.
Which brings us to bedtime. My first daughter, ESC, slept through the night at 3 months. Once we got her to sleep (which was a pain in the butt there for a while) she stayed asleep, for the most part.
Along comes number 2 and I must've bragged at one point or another because at almost 11 months I am still waiting for more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. And what really sucks is that I just can't figure it out. There is no pattern. She sucks at sleeping whether she's teething, growth spurting, going through a cold or just feels like chatting at 2 am.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Well, welcome to fucking Parenthood.

And then my older one tells me that her baby sis is her best friend and her favorite thing about her is her heart.
Damn.

It took us a while to decide whether or not to have a second. We had a lot of reasons not to. Money, space, our ages, overpopulation, we thought 'Hey! We could be perfectly happy, just the three of us."
Then the reasons to...we both have siblings, is it fair to Evie Sue to not have another, I LOVED being pregnant, it might be fun...
In the end I think we realized we would regret it more if we didn't try and have another.
And that's how you make a baby, kids!
But seriously, two kids will always be infinitely harder than one. However, it's also harder to imagine your first baby without her baby sister. It's harder to not remember that moment in the hospital when they met. It's harder to think about not saying 'the girls".
So here are my girls.

Take Two

Well bust my buttons, I'm back!
Take Two...children...please!
Since last we spoke I have birthed another gorgeous, sweet, smiley little girl. She joins her big sister and makes our family complete....ly exhausted. She's 10 months and still doesn't sleep thru the night. Like, at all. But more on that later.

Take Two...thousand miles. (Well more like 1200) We've moved back to my hometown of White Bear Lake, Mn. We did this for a few reasons but one of the most important was to be near my parents. (And it certainly doesn't hurt that I am a stone's throw from my bestie of almost 40 years!)

Take Two...new jobs. Well to be fair, Ty still works for a certain neighborhood grocery store but I left my beloved My Gym and now work for the very school district that graduated me! I am currently working in the extended day program which translates into me getting up at 5am everyday to go hang out with other people's kids and then heading home by 930am to feed mine breakfast!

2016 will be a very interesting year. I'm looking forward to continuing changes and challenges. I look forward to the ups and downs of life as we figure out this new adventure we've embarked on. The move, preschool, new family dynamics and good old Minnesota winters!

Life is different. Life is good (it has to be right?). Life is life.
Get ready folks. I'm back and I have feelings and stuff that I am going to let you all know about.
Duh Duh Duuuuuuh...

Work it.

Just over a month ago I went back to work. Full. Time.
After 14 months at home with my sweet girl I joined the workforce again at full force! I am the new Director at My Gym Annapolis and I couldn't be more excited. Or devastated. I've had some time to get used to it. Or really I should say that I hardly had time before I HAD to get used to it. Within a month I got the offer, found the daycare and started. It's awesome, my boss rocks, I really enjoy my days and as expected, Evie Sue is doing great at daycare.
But life has changed dramatically. I went from spending my days crawling around after my girl, finding fun, educational stuff for us to do to crawling around after 15 kids, teaching 3-6 classes a day and barely having the time to desperately miss my darling daughter.
It's been hard. Really hard. I miss her every second...but I really like my job. I feel as if I have had the best and worst of each world. One second I feel guilty for enjoying my job, the next guilty for wanting to be at home with Evie all day long again. It's a lovely never ending cycle.
And other aspects of my life have changed.
I've said this before too. You know who your real friends are when you have a kid. I know that all of our lives move forward and people lose touch for many reasons and get busy and that it takes effort on both ends...yes, I get it.
I have been lucky to have a couple of friends who have been incredible as I made the insane transition into Motherhood. They were supportive, proactive, and just...there. Of course these girlfriends have since moved far, far away...or in one case, already lived far away.
Ty and I are on almost opposite schedules these days so we try and take our time together as seriously as we can. But it's difficult on the nights when he is gone to pick up the phone, call a girlfriend and say "I've worked a 9 hour day and my kid has to go to sleep in an hour...wanna come over and keep me company while we quietly sip our cheap wine as to not wake the babe?"

Sounds like fun, huh?

I get overwhelmed. I get lonely. I get sad. I get tired. I need to be alone with my daughter and I need to spend time with girlfriends. Guess I'm human huh? I miss nights out. I miss certain people. I miss, for lack of a better term, freedom. I know it sounds harsh but it's kind of true. I don't get to go out on a whim. I missed a show with a group of friends because I couldn't get a sitter. Evie Sue is in bed by 8 at the latest and I...hang on my couch.
But as usual, as I rock my girl to sleep and she sits up just to smile at me, I couldn't imagine a better night. Nothing, and I mean nothing, tops your kid smiling at you and throwing her arms around you, ready to snuggle to sleep. I would give up almost anything for that.

Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a working mom is hard. I am proud to say I have had the great fortune to be both.

Happy Year

Here's the thing about the New Year. New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, New Year resolutions....New Beginning.
I feel like we've all seen this changeover of years as a new start. "This year, I'm getting my shit together!"
It's like a do over almost. If the past year sucked, you get to start over and try again...right?
As I move forward into said New Year with *gasp* a toddler(!), I realize how far from the truth these thoughts are.
I don't want any sort of do over. And let me tell you, my darling girl isn't slowing down for anyone!
I feel like in the past, when it was just about me, I could trick myself. "This year will be better", "This is THE year".
The year for what?
I also feel like we use this time of year to throw away the past year. "Last year sucked, I'm glad to be done with it!" I certainly know that in the past I have said these very words. But every day that passes we are "done" with. It is done. Finished. Over.
And that kind of sucks!
Yeah, things are always gonna go up and down in our lives, that's what makes it fun, ask the Grandma from Parenthood. But they keep moving forward, whether we like it or not.
I look back on thoughts I've had about New Years passed. And I'm pissed at myself.
Things are hard. For everyone. But I hate the fact that I have wished days, years, moments away simply because they didn't go the way I had planned or they hurt. Life hurts. I'm mad that I ever so easily dismissed months that have gone before because I was bored or I didn't get off my ass and do something...anything!
Yes, stupid, annoying, heartbreaking, frustrating things happened in 2012. And guess what? Other stupid, annoying...etc. things will happen in 2013.
But amazing things happened too!
If my darling girl has taught me anything, it is this. Life keeps going. And I want it to! I don't want to see 2013 as a "new beginning" or another shot to get it right. I want to see it as my daughter's second year of life. My 6th year of marriage.
And I don't want to "say goodbye" to 2012. I mean, yes, 2012 is over but good and bad it happened. I can ignore it and wish it away or I can relish the memories.
I guess what I am saying is the same thing we always say. Life is short and it moves fast! I've found my focus. I've found my reason to be in the moment every day, to love my year and not wish the passed one away. My daughter doesn't need any "do overs", she needs life. She needs to grow and learn. She needs to build memories. I want to help her. And to do that I need to remember, not to throw away, dismiss and forget.
I really loved 2012. Because it was my life.

One Year

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of
love.

Jonathan Larson could easily have been writing about a first year of parenthood.
My daring girl, my soul, my life, my joy....is one year old.
How do I measure that? The daylights I get to spend with her. The midnights I stayed up until(and past). The cups of coffee...well, I've always loved my coffee.
The inches she grown, the miles we've traveled. The laughter she's brought us and the strife we put ourselves through as we try and provide for our sweet baby.

But in true Broadway show tune fashion I will in fact, always measure this year in love. Because before this year I had no idea what love was. I truly learned how to love unconditionally.
What else have I learned in this past year?
Patience. Parenthood is a true lesson in patience and I know it's only just begun. I have never been a patient person, really. But Evie Sue has taught me how to slow down. Slow down and appreciate, slow down so that the diaper is put on correctly, slow down, Momma!
How to breathe. I learned how to take a deep breath and apply it to what is happening. No nap? Deep breath. More whining? Deep Breath. Heavy eyelids? Deep breath. Baby falls on her butt? Deep breath. Daddy gives her a massive piece of food you are convinced she will choke on (of course she doesn't)? Deeeeeep breath.
How to let go. As a Mom, and more specifically a stay at home Mom, you figure out how to do it all. And dammit it better be done your way...all the time...right?
Oh how very wrong. I had to learn (and I continue) to let Ty do things his way. To allow Evie Sue to explore on her own. To let the dog lick her face. To let her learn. On her own.
In the wake of recent events this last one is hard. Very hard.
They say you should congratulate parents at the first birthday. For making it through. While I do agree, this day will be about her and all the joy that she is. She won't remember. We're not doing anything big. I making her favorite, banana cupcakes, and really I'm not even sure if they are her favorite.
But we will celebrate her. Her. Who is everything to me and mine. Who is love.

The Last 5 Years

It is 9am. I am sitting at our kitchen table watching Evie Sue shove handfuls of scrambled egg into her mouth and giggling. I am drinking coffee that my hubby had set for me before he left and eating a slice of cranberry almond bread I made from scratch.

Who am I!?

Two weeks from today I will be frantically baking banana cupcakes and decorating our place for my sweet girl's 1st birthday!

How did that happen!?

11 months have come and gone. I took Evie out for lunch and a practice cupcake. She did great, making a sufficient mess for the restaurant staff!
5 years have come and gone. Yes, my husband and I have been married for 5 years! We celebrated with pizza, wine from our honeymoon and a cheesy movie.
5 years! Wow...
Where do you want to be in five years? That question is posed to us so often.
When I was 5, the answer I'm sure would have been "in a castle, with a pony."
Age 15 I would have said, "in college or a famous singer."
Age 20, "Married"
Age 22, "living in a city, NOT married"
Age 25, "an actress"
I was married and living on the east coast by the time I was 30. I joked once to my husband that by the time I was 35 I better have a baby or another dog...hmmm.

Were the 5 years that we have been married exactly as planned or hoped? Far from. Wonders, tragedies, heartbreaks, triumphs have all occurred.
As we move forward into the next 5 years of our marriage where do we want to be?

Well now, that's not entirely up to us anymore now is it?
Personally, I would like to have a bigger home, a space for my daughter to really play, a space for my husband to write, a reliable car.
But my daughter will be 5 years old by that time. While a bigger home and nicer "things" would be great, where I truly hope to be in 5 years? I hope to be in a special place in my daughter's memories. I hope in the next 5 years I can help her create traditions and memories and fun of her own.
It is always difficult to say where we'll be in 5 years because (thankfully) life takes us where it wants to. No couple knows that better than us!

But only for now...

I closed my show yesterday. First show AB...yes, After Baby.
It has been a bittersweet experience. I have worked with this particular director on a number of occasions and we just seem to get each other (not to mention the fact that she has given me the gift of a few dream roles!). It has been a joy to work with her again. It has been a joy to do this particular show, a show that Ty and I have grown to love over the years. It has been a joy to do something just for me.
And I am so glad to be done!
I hope this is not misconstrued. I love doing shows, I love the people I work with, the characters I play. So why am I so relieved to be finished with a show I have always wanted to be a part of?
I am about to say something I have vowed never to say to another human being...so I will only say it here.
When you have kids, you'll understand.
I think this is one of the rudest, most condescending statements a person can make. But it's kind of true.
Disclaimer:If you never have kids you won't understand, exactly. And that is totally ok with me. Everyone has their own priorities and this is mine. (Which is exactly why I think this is such a rude statement-I couldn't care less if you ever have kids, not my business.)
I went out with the cast once. And that was when one of the Tony award winning composers happened to come to our show. I thought that might be a "not to be missed" opportunity.
I am usually the one yelling at other cast members for not going out. I have eaten my weight in pizza at Pub Dog. My husband gets really excited to see my shows...since that's really the only time he'll get to see me during the process!
But this one was different. I knew it going in. It was gonna be tough.
Have I always dreamed of bringing my child into the world of theatre by having her in tow for rehearsals? Yep! I mean how cool is that? My kid got to see "behind the scenes", got to listen to Mommy during music rehearsals, got her own private puppet show (she really loved Nicky and Ricky, blew her mind a little bit, not gonna lie). Did I mention how hard it is to concentrate on your lines when your infant child is doing something super cute? Or wailing cause she's hungry? Yeah...
And then there's the nights I didn't have her with me. Ugh. I missed her, every time! I would count the minutes until I got to see her again.
Now, I can say that I have done some pretty awesome, check off the bizarre bucket list things. Breast fed during music rehearsal. Pumped in my dressing room. Twice. Every night of the run. Makes me feel kind of badass.
And kind of like a mom.
These moments keep happening to me. Last night was the cast party. I went, had one drink and scooted home to see my hubby and be in bed by 9:30.
I may not do another show for a while. I don't know. This was hard because I now need to figure out a way for these two worlds to meet and that may take a little time. This show I was blessed with an incredibly understanding cast, loving supportive family and a kick ass husband! It was still hard.
As I sit here on this glorious morning post show having snuggled my girl into nap #1, knowing I don't have to be anywhere tonight, I am relieved. And sad. And relaxed.

But more than anything I am thrilled to have another entire day with Evie Sue. Priorities have shifted permanently.
I have traded late nights with the cast for rushing home to put baby to bed, gossiping in the green room for frantically pumping between scenes and crazy, fun pre show dance parties for goofy, fun post nap dance parties.
I love both of these worlds and one day I will make sure they have a proper introduction. For the moment I will put away my resume and take my place onstage in Evie Sue's life. For now I am a lead role and that may not always be the case.
At the risk of being cheesy and bringing myself and fellow castmates to tears, I will quote the show I just closed.
For now there's life, for now there's love, for now there's work, for now there's happiness. Everything in life...is only for now.

10 Months!

Wow. So it's been awhile. It's been a busy couple of months. Where to begin?
Evie Sue is mere days away from being 10 months old!
I know I always say this but...how the hell did that happen so fast? She is gorgeous, mischievous, beyond brilliant...ugh, I just love her. She is a crawling machine and one night at 4am I woke to find her standing up in her crib yelling, "Hook up the tap, Momma! Baby girl's hungry!"
I kid...or do I?
But for reals, a lot has happened.
Button and I flew to Minnesota for some much needed family time. She did great on the plane and was a huge hit with all her relatives (as we knew she would be). She got to meet Grandpa and her cousins, Auntie Kari and Uncle Scott(among many others) and of course "Great Uncle" Tom.
This was bittersweet as very soon after we returned home Tom lost his well fought battle with cancer. I was devastated and blessed all at the same time. We lost a wonderful man but my daughter got to meet him...and he got to meet her. I will always feel lucky for that.
We took a day trip to D.C. the other day and the babe had her first Metro ride and I got a glimpse of what life might be like if we ever make our way back to Chicago and city life...it was grand.

Evie Sue has also been able to spend a lot of time with Mommy at the theatre as I opened my latest show, Ave. Q. Now there is a strong possibility that my daughter's first word will be either pussy or fuck because of this but hey, what's a little 4 letter word compared to a puppet show every night in 5 part harmony?
Otherwise things continue. We have a rough schedule that we try and keep. She remains a relatively good sleeper, eater and all around happy girl. We have gotten in a habit of at least one meal together now that she eats what we eat.

Usually it ends up being breakfast. Pumpkin pancakes, cereal, omelets or just yogurt. Doesn't matter to us as long as we're together.
There are small daily struggles and large life struggles still. Not enough money for another car as one is slowly dying, teething, not enough time in general, and the occasional Mr. Mom evening of frustration and poop as Mommy goes off to work. None of it matters though. She is so incredible and so smart and so beautiful. I love to watch her figure shit out. I love being her Mom. As she sleeps in the next room all I can think about is how sad I will be tonight as I drop her off to hang with her cousins while I do my show. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to go do a little something for me for a few hours(even if I do count down the minutes until I see her again). And I am beyond grateful for loving and supportive family. But my heart breaks a tiny bit and swells immeasurably when she turns to me with that toothy grin and waves bye bye.
Now if you'll excuse me as I wipe my tears and go stare at my sleepy girl for a few minutes before she wakes up...

Goodbye.

I'm taking my own moment today to remember an amazing man who left this earth entirely too soon. Rest in Peace Tom.

8 months? You must be trippin'!

Remember that time I had a baby?
Because it was 8 months ago!!!
I have an 8 month old child!!!
It blows my mind that my tiny, sweet girl is a mere 4 months from being a year old!
Here are some of the big changes.
She is a champion sitter! She very rarely topples over anymore. She looks so grown up when she's sitting on the floor with one of her books.
We got her a big girl stroller...for $8! It's not that she wasn't ready for one before, it was always just easier to snap the car seat into the stroller base and go. But girly is getting heavy(!) and now that she joins me for rehearsal (For Ave. Q opening in October at Red Branch Theater!) she likes to be able to sit up and listen to those tenors wail!
Food wise there have also been some changes. I have always gone with the philosophy of "before a year, food is for fun". I have been lucky enough to breastfeed this whole time and hope that I am able to make it to a year. With that said we have done the cereal and I feel like it's done it's job. She can swallow, loves her spoon and makes chewing motions with her jaw so we have moved forward...slightly. I am terrified of food! I know that someday she will have to just choke a little and work through it, that's how she'll learn. But that's really scary! Sometimes I feel like my fears will be a disadvantage for her. But after talking to a good friend I realized we are doing just fine...for now. She eats bananas, some homemade purees(green beans, carrots), sweet potatoes, her Mum Mum crackers and even a bit of a banana cupcake!
And finally, Button went on a roadtrip! A 10 hour roadtrip! We drove to Woodstock, Vermont to a family reunion that is held every other year. While we were super excited to get outta dodge, we were a bit wary of taking an infant on such a long car ride. Here are some observations.

-Prepare yourself for the stress. Now I'm not saying to anticipate it so that you are stressed out the whole time. But if you know that some things will not go AT ALL the way you planned you can roll with it a little better.
-Break the law. Judge all you want. I may have nursed my child in a moving vehicle.
-No matter how lovely the place you stay, you will desperately crave the familiar, creature comforts of home.
I rock Evie Sue to sleep every night (and nap). We snuggle up in our ancient recliner chair and rock and sing until she falls asleep in my arms. They had plenty of rockers where we stayed. But the combination of old floors, old chairs and the excitement of meeting so many people who love her, made putting Button to sleep a bit challenging.
-Bring your monitor! Yes, we were all in the same house and there were plenty of people who could hear her if she cried. But it gave me so much more confidence to sit out with my family chatting late into the night with that tiny little monitor next to me. Anything for some peace of mind.
-People want to help you! I went into this trip with the feeling that Evie Sue is my child. She is my responsibility, not anyone else's. Ty and I will take care of her. I had to be reminded that we were with family. And family helps each other. Not once did I feel like I was taking advantage of anyone. Everyone was happy to watch the Button for a few minutes while I made the salad or had to pee.
-No matter how many "precautions" you take, a road trip and staying somewhere other than home will jack up your baby's schedule big time! She won't poop or sleep or eat at any of your regular times. Go with it.

All in all, it was a good trip (even with the horrendous traffic that kept us from getting home until 1 am). I have always enjoyed our Vermont trips and it was great to share it with the Button. It was also so wonderful to share her with so many people who love her. And it showed me what a great team my husband and I are.

There are plenty of other fish scenes in the sea.

So I had a couple of "moments" yesterday and maybe even learned a little bit.
First-Ty and I had our first "night out" alone since Evie Sue was born...7 months ago! Now, "night out" is a strong phrase. No we didn't go out for a night on the town, no fancy dinner or hotel room (although there was a reception with wine and lovely hors d'oeurves). Ty was involved in a reading of the play "8" by Dustin Lance Black about the federal case against Proposition 8 in California. Before I get too long winded about why this piece is so important to the rights of lesbian and gay couples and frankly, human beings, find a production in your area. It's happening all over the country and I believe it is very important.
The reading was great and the reception very nice. Was I able to concentrate completely? Of course not! Let me be clear. My daughter was with my brother in law's family for the night. My sister in law has always been one of the few, very few, people that I would be completely comfortable leaving my child with. Did it take any of the stress out of the situation? Of course not!
All went fine. She took her bottle of breast milk like a champ and snuggled, rolled around and played with her cousins all night. I only texted twice! I think I did pretty darn well.
What was my second moment?
Well, it started earlier in the day. Much earlier. 6:30 am earlier.
Evie Sue and I were up for her morning feeding and I knew she was not going straight back to bed so I needed to distract her a bit while I pumped. I put on Finding Nemo. Not only an amazing film but one of the first movies Ty and I saw together with a lot of special meaning to us. As I am setting my daughter up in front of the movie I flash back to seeing it for the first time and all of a sudden I panic! I recall the my own reaction during the beginning moments of the film (if you haven't see it stop reading) when Nemo's Mommy dies and I make a decision. My daughter does not need to see this. Someday she will have to deal with death and fear and sadness. Not today(yes I realize she is only 7 months and wouldn't understand but I do believe she would maybe "feel" the mood created by the scene with the scary music and fast moving mean, big fish!). So I skipped right over that (as well as some other "scary" scenes) and we watched the happy parts of the film. Does this mean that Evie Sue will never know why Nemo's Dad is so protective? Does it mean that she will forever think that Old Yeller saves his family from the wolf and all is right in the world? And will she always believe that Dumbo's and Bambi's Moms are just taking a nap?
No. But for now and for a few more years to come there is no need to expose my daughter things of that nature. She is an incredibly happy little girl. She has taught me so much about the power of positive energy that I would like to return that favor for a little while.
So what? That was the "moment"? Watching Finding Nemo? Really?
Well, not completely.
I have always been a person that holds grudges and sometimes I let that negativity of those grudges take over a little too much. Last night during the play reading they showed a video that featured a number of couples in love. Some joyful, some frustrated, some hopeful but all of them full of love. The song "What the World Needs Now" accompanied the video and I had a minor revelation.
Yes dammit. What the worlds needs now is in fact, love, sweet love! And for Evie Sue, that starts with me. That starts with me letting go. Letting go of stress, negativity, and not putting myself in situations that could create such feelings. That starts with skipping Nemo's Mommy's death scene!
Really Sara? You're never gonna be stressed or have negative feelings again? Well, that's unrealistic...especially for me! But I can make the effort. I can try. I can relax a little bit more. I can say no a little bit more. I can decide not to watch 48 Hours Mystery.
I can make my home a joyful place for my kid. Free of grudges and negativity and too many violent movies.

I know I can't shield her forever. I know I can't always be happy go lucky, stress free Mommy. But like I said earlier, I have learned so much from my daughter already. The power of positivity. Trying to live in each moment. Finding so much joy in discovering something new...or just bouncing up and down over and over again.
Evie Sue didn't choose me but I can choose to be a joyful person for her.

Fifty Shades of Crap!

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT! Do not read this if you have not read the book yet!
Ok! I gave in. I got on the wait list at the library (because I don't buy books unless I LOVE them) and decided to give it a go. I guess I'm sort of a "housewife", "stay at home mom", what have you, so I thought I would do something house wifey and read some porn.
What I got was just a badly written book.
Let's start with the obvious. I fully agree with my friend Jill on this. If you are British but choose to set your book in America...DO NOT use clearly British slang for god's sake!
Next, please, for crying out loud, know when enough is enough. If Anastasia "bit her lip" or "held someone at arm's length" or her frickin "scalp prickled" one more time I was gonna spank the bitch! I get the idea. Christian gets turned on by the lip thing. But every other page....really?
Now for the "porn" aspect. Have you ever read Moby Dick? You don't see the whale until over halfway through the book! Yes, we need a bit of a lead up, foreplay, you might say. But to have the first sex scene not happen until almost page 100. Come on! We all got the book for one reason and we have to sit through 90 something pages before we got to it.
AND WHEN WE DO...
Oh, E.L. James. You're a woman. So giving me a fucking break! Real porn is already unrealistic enough for the boys. But to have our innocent heroine come from nipple play? And then continue to come again and again from either plain old intercourse or just smacking at her with some leather? Really? Now you should know better dammit!
And frankly, they weren't even that hot! And they only lasted about a page each. And they only went into the Red Room of Pain twice! Ugh...
I didn't care about the characters...AT ALL. In fact, I was pissed at Anastasia for continually putting up with Christian's shit. He's a dick! Oh whaa! So he had some hard childhood. Nobody cares! Where's the dirty sex?
Yes, I realize it's not supposed to a "great" book and yes, it's supposed to be about the sex and not necessarily the storyline...well both sucked...and not in a good way!
I will not be wasting my time with the sequels.
And p.s. If you're going to make sure and point out every time he puts on a condom you cannot write "and he emptied himself into me". Because he didn't. He emptied himself INTO THE CONDOM! (idiot).

7 Month Itch.

Just when this seemed like the longest month ever, here we are. 7 months. So what, you may ask, is going on in my darling daughter's life? Here's some highlights.

Food: We have been doing cereal for over a month now and adding fruits and veggies here and there. Success'-Green Beans, Peas, Avocado and Carrots. Failures-Applesauce, Bananas. We have also started exploring more "solid" solids like Gerber puffs (she really enjoys scraping her teeth on these) and even a little whipped cream...which she loved! For the most part though, she is still on the Mommy tap.

Developmentally: She is sitting up pretty much on her own now. She can hold and turn pages in books. She is pretty possessive of her paci. She loves to bounce...all the time. She bounces in her activity chair, in my lap, while in my arms and just today, while sitting on the floor. She also has figured out how to spin herself around in her chair (which another Dad told me is a pretty big deal...um, ok).
She is beginning to express what she likes and doesn't like. She is not a fan of her vitamin drops...AT ALL. She literally whacks my hand out of her face when she sees it coming.
She is not crawling yet but she has figured out how to get where she wants by rolling and sort of "snaking" her way there.
Evie Sue even went in a pool for the first time!

Personality: My sweet little angel is starting to show off her sassy side. Putting her down for naps and bedtime has become a bit trying. She loves hanging out with us, especially Daddy, and sometimes she just doesn't want it to end. She also likes to freak out to the point where I take her out of sleep position(either cradled in my arms or lying across my chest, head on shoulder like she's hugging me) and once she's up she gives me a huge smile, starts to bounce and play with her paci...

But she is happy. She smiles all the time. She is inquisitive and joyful.

So...how's Mommy?
I'm ok. This is an interesting time. Button is getting bigger everyday and just as wiggly! But she stills needs to be held. I can't just plop her down on the floor with her toys. It can be frustrating. I do crave alone time. And yes, I do get it sometimes. When she does finally go down for naps they tend to be at least an hour (if not 3!) so I am able to clean...exactly...clean. I know that I should take time to just read or have another cup of coffee but I can always find something to do! I guess I'm officially a mom, huh?
It can still be a bit lonely here and there as well. Ty's schedule is still a bit erratic since his promotion (he is now management team for Trader Joe's! More $, less hours and two days off a week...in a row!). But there are some nights when he needs to go to sleep pretty early, like tonight, so I end up still putting the Button to bed or walking the dog alone. It's rough, but who's life isn't huh?

7 months of parenthood!

Sick of it yet? Not even close! In the upcoming months we are venturing into traveling with Evie Sue. She will meet a ton of cousins and some great aunts and uncles in Vermont in August. In September (fingers crossed) we hope to make the trip to Minnesota. Evie Sue has some pretty darn important family members there that she has never met!
I love our adventures,even if it's just to a birthday party or a bbq. I love watching her explore and discover. I love everything about my little Button. I can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Power, schmower!

There are certain things that I consider luxuries that others may not. Sitting in a coffee shop, latte in one hand, book in another. To me, that sounds luxurious. First day that's warm enough to have that drink on a bar patio during happy hour...luxurious! A trip to Target only for things I want...not need. Oh the luxury! You know what I don't necessarily consider a luxury?(although i should!) Electricity. Power. Lights in my apartment. My coffee maker working! Yesterday we lost power for oh, just practically the entire day! AND it was due to a tree down which meant we also couldn't get out of our neighborhood (don't even get me started about that!). It was my husband's "Saturday" so he was bummed as he had planned a special breakfast for us. Now this has happened before and frankly I'm ok with no tv and since it was a beautiful day, didn't mind no lights or air conditioning. But dammit I hadn't had coffee. And I was hungry. For something other than yogurt and pretzels or something else that didn't require cooking. You might say this set of circumstances put me "in a mood". My husband, on the other hand, got crafty. He ran downstairs to my landlords and asked if he could borrow their grill and proceeded to make one of the best breakfasts I have ever had. He even made coffee! Yep! What you see is grilled steak, eggs baked on the grill, seasoned potatoes wrapped in foil with onions and coffee (water boiled on grill and poured thru filter). It was a badass breakfast! The rest of our day consisted of a free outdoor concert and snuggling in bed with Total Recall. All in all a pretty nice day.

Happy Birthday!

Wow! Where has the time gone? 6 months ago I was in the hospital welcoming my darling girl into the world (I am typing this a few days early to get it right but will post on the 16th). Soooooo many life changes! I'm somebody's Mommy, my husband is somebody's Daddy, I, now on a regular basis, refer to my own mother as Grandma! But today is special for another reason. For me, today not only celebrates 6 months of motherhood but also 35 years of friendship. A friendship that you should all be so lucky to have. A friendship that has not only stood the test of time but the tests of adolescence, marriage, children and distance. All those things that inadvertently pull people apart only brought us closer. We were born to be best friends. She was the brunette to my blonde, the alto to my soprano, the good friend to my bad influence. She was patient and loving as I went through my "wild" years and I stood by her as she married the man of her dreams all the while letting her know I could have a car waiting if she wanted to bail mid ceremony (of course she didn't....thank goodness! love you Josh!) We've gone through all the things best friends are supposed to. Joys and tragedies. Vegas! At our high school reunion we showed up together only to be greeted by an old classmate, who was possibly under the influence, hugging us both saying "Katie and Sara! Of course you're here together!" But what make this friendship incredibly special, and me, grateful beyond words is what happened 5 months ago. I was a mere 3 weeks into this whole parenting thing. The nights were still sleepless, the boobs still sore and my emotions still raw. My mother had left and we had a couple of weeks to ourselves when Katie came out to visit. Now visit is the wrong word...hmm....save us. She absolutely saved us. She walked into my place, took Evie Sue's bassinet out of our bedroom and into her's and said "I'll get you when she needs you." Yep, you read it right. My friend left her loving husband and darling children to fly across the country for 4 days to wake up with me and my new baby EVERY 2 HOURS. Evie Sue would cry, Katie would change her, come and get me, wait until I was done nursing and take her back to put her down again. She did this all night long...the whole time she was here! She made it possible for me to sleep in my own bed for the first time in weeks. And you know what else? She vacuumed. And cried with me. She took me to dinner. And Target. My mind is still blown by the kindness of my dear friend. As we continue to move forward in our lives I know that we will stay strong as friends even if we don't speak for a month or I inevitably forget a child's birthday. I know I can count on this friendship for years to come. So thank you Katie (Flater) Vadnais for being you. Kind, caring, selfless, lovely, wonderful you. I can only hope that my daughter will be so lucky as to have such a friendship but I know she will forever have her Aunt Katie! Happy Birthday!

Food, Glorious Food!

I'm a little emotional right now. We just took a huge step with Evie Sue (yes, WE...big step for Mommy too). The Button just had her first meal of "solids"! Yep, that's right, I bit the bullet. Yesterday while shopping at Target, I purchased my darling girl's first taste of solid food. Now if you read this blog you know that I had struggled with this. Which brand, what kind, do I really need to do rice cereal, should I let her decide, what does my pediatrician say, what do the ladies on my breastfeeding board say, what do my friends say......ahhhh! My friends said Gerber, my pedi said rice cereal whenever, the board ladies said nothing but breast milk until 6 months and then do fruit or wait and let her decide. I decided to try and split the difference as much as I could. She is 2 weeks away from 6 months so I figured we'd just go for it, today! I bought Gerber Organic Brown Rice Cereal (give my crunchy side some peace of mind) we thinned it significantly with breast milk, put a bib on Evie Sue and went to town! She did awesome. The second she saw that spoon she knew it was go time. She was so excited to "help" by pulling the spoon towards her mouth and at one point even tried to tip the whole bowl in her mouth. She swallowed everything we gave her and yes finally got so excited she knocked almost the entire bowl over onto the floor!(thankfully we were pretty much done anyway). I planned it for today so Daddy could be a part of it and help. I think he had as much fun as Evie Sue. One of the best parts? Right as we started I Skyped my mom. Grandma and Grandpa got to see Evie Sue chowing down! Now yes, it was little more than grainy breast milk but it was huge! Button had food...real food...in a few weeks we may try a banana! For now she will continue to nurse (my next short term goal is 9 months) and have one "meal" of cereal a day but I can already see how much she, and we, are going to enjoy this!

5 Months and time for food!

Ugh! I am the biggest slackstar ever! I really for really real meant to have a post all ready to go when Button turned 5 months and of course life got in the way. Work, laundry, dinner, nursing, laundry, lunch, dishes...they all got in the way, sorry. So how did my lovely Evie Sue spend her special day? At tech rehearsal with Mommy (gotta get her started early right?) for Fiddler on the Roof...I'm hoping for a L'Chaim as a first word! I had a whole post about inadvertently becoming a stay at home mom but I must have been having a frustrating day because it came out a little negative. Yep, staying at home can be frustrating, mind numbing at times and a tad bit lonely here and there. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I get to hang with the coolest, happiest baby ever and I don't miss a thing. I also had a post about the differences in parenting styles/fair share of household duties that I have experienced so far but frankly, we are relatively on the same page about most things, she doesn't really need much discipline yet and when Ty is able to be home and not work from 8am to Midnight, my focus is for him to just "be" with Evie Sue. Of course when his job situation changes there will be some words. So what to write about. Button is going through some really awesome changes right now. She is rolling, reaching, chatting, sitting up and I think, getting ready to eat solids! I had been given the ok to move to cereal by my pediatrician but I was the one who wasn't ready. I am definitely nervous about this next step. Pretty soon she'll be sitting up in her highchair tossing cheerios to the dog and spaghetti at me! Plus I am torn between the crunchy granola side of me which thinks "What's the nutritional value of cereal, why can't I start with bananas, avocados, or baby oatmeal?"(all of which would be watered down to a porridge-y goo with breastmilk) and my other side which thinks "I had cereal, babies have had cereal for decades, it's easy, relatively inexpensive and my pediatrician suggested it"...ugh. Making life decisions for a life that you created and are responsible for and want to nurture and teach good habits and lessons to early is exhausting! I have tried to eat well in my adult life....now yes, in college my roommates will testify to the fact that I existed on real coke and fake mashed potatoes but as I started learning how to cook and put flavors together I made better choices. Getting pregnant just made me try harder. Now I try and make sure I get what I need for Evie Sue. Protein, veggies, fruit. I make all fruit smoothies, salads and lots of sauteed veggies to go with chicken and baked potatoes. Greek yogurt is a fave, oatmeal happens almost daily and if I have some time I try and make my own granola bars. But those damn sweets get me! I NEVER had a major sweet tooth before I got pregnant but now it won't go away. Really. It's sort of pissing me off as there are days I feel as if I am on a slow boat to type 2 diabetes. I try and make "good" sweet decisions like dark chocolate and fruit but man, sometimes a cupcake or a candy bar really hits the spot. As I move forward with this adventure of introducing my baby girl to veggies, fruits, whole grains and all that good stuff I will try not to sneak a Snickers in there...at least not for her. I will try my best to teach her good eating habits while being realistic about my budget and the taste buds of a small child. I will hope for an adventurous eater that will at least try everything we put in front of her. I can't wait to see her face each time we give her something new. Oh the fun we're gonna have!

Day of Mommies!

Here it is. My first Mother's Day. Now yes, I was technically pregnant for Mother's Day last year but to me, this year's the real deal. So here it is just a few days away and I am not sure how I feel about it. I have a lot of emotions this year. Here's the lowdown. I. Am. A. Mother. Holy shit. I am far away from my own mom. My husband, while celebrating the mother of his child (me), he is still, and will forever be grieving the loss of his own mother. You see my emotional situation. I am overwhelmed every single day with love for my daughter. She is so smiley, giggly and just plain wonderful. It makes my world when I go into her room in the morning or after a nap and she sees me and smiles. When I sing her to sleep I take a moment to just hold her because just for a second I feel as if I NEVER want to put her down. They don't lie when they say being a parent is the hardest and most rewarding thing you will ever do. She's only 4 1/2 months and I feel this all the time. I could go on and on. As for my mom. I miss her every day, especially now. She was here for Evie Sue's birth and helped me more than she will ever know. She has always been an incredible, supportive, loving Mom and I know she will be an even more amazing Grandma! But I want to share all my joys and tears of motherhood with her. Of course sometimes I do just that, the poor woman gets daily phone calls from me! I want her to babysit! Yes, we Skype and that is great. But fuck it all...it kills me that my mom can't hug my daughter every day! Evie Sue is named in honor of my mother in law. I've said it many times, I got really lucky when it comes to "in laws". I could go on forever but I will just say this; Sue was an amazing woman and I am devastated that my daughter will never know her. I guess I will just have to tell Evie Sue about her all the time. As the day approaches, I am clearly a hot mess of emotions. I look forward to spending the day with my sweet girl but I know I will be thinking of the Moms in my life who can't be there. While I look forward to Mother's Days of the future with toddler drawn pictures on the fridge or my daughter waking me up with breakfast in bed, this year will be a bit more subdued. I will spend the day with my tiny, sweet girl changing diaper after diaper, snuggling, playing and finding things to do around the apartment while she naps. This Mother's Day will be pretty much like any other day these days. Because these days...I am a Mother.

Watch out...opinionated post!

Okay! Is anyone else seriously irritated by this whole "pregnant man" thing? Because I am! Here's the deal...he was not a man!!! Let me clarify. I totally respect the fact that he feels as if he were born the incorrect gender. I also respect the fact that he can make the decision to change his gender by taking hormones and having gender reassignment surgery. Please take notice of the fact that I am even referring to him with male pronouns for crying out loud! That said, what I don't respect is the fact that he made the choice to become a man, took the hormones, even went so far as to get himself legally referred to as a man BUT did not remove his FEMALE organs and stopped taking hormones so he could get pregnant, give birth and call himself a "pregnant man". Again, let me clarify. I don't care that he wanted a baby...great! Have one! By all means. I get that he was the one who was gonna be able to have a baby in the relationship and that's fine. But don't call yourself a pregnant man. It all comes down to the little things for me. I'm happy that he has found himself, I am happy he has a family. But as a woman, who recently gave birth, I take issue with the fact that he wants to be referred to and make a celebrity out of himself by being "the pregnant man". P.S. Men can't have babies...unless of course they have female sex organs...which he did! Which technically makes him...A WOMAN! Being pregnant is an amazing experience and I am sorry that men can't have that...but they can't. It's ours. Because you see we have the uterus and the vagina where the baby grows and subsequently comes out of. It's all basic really. I feel the need to keep repeating myself as to not piss anyone off completely (of course it's my blog so who cares right?) I don't give a shit about his lifestyle. I am so happy he has found peace with who he is. But please don't try and take this from us. I feel pretty badass that I grew a child inside of me because I know only half the population can do it (even less). Don't take that away from me by going just far enough to become a man but not far enough so that you can, for lack of a better term, become a circus side show act. I realize that sounds harsh. But he didn't need to let the whole world in on his little one. If he really just wanted a family with his wife why do I and the rest of the world need to know about it. I find it to be very disrespectful to women that he is out there (whether he started it or not let's face it, he's not running from the cameras)touting himself as a pregnant man when in reality he was born a woman and still had all his female organs when this happened...because if he hadn't/didn't it wouldn't have happened! Pregnancy is a wonderful, mind blowing, insanely amazing experience that only women have the honor of experiencing. And not all women even get to. Some women can't get pregnant, some need help. Some spends years trying and wishing and agonizing over the possibility. Have respect for that. Even if you make the choice not to be one of us any longer (again, no judgement)don't take this incredible honor from us.